Off the bat, I'm going to admit that I watched Oprah. I'm not proud of it, but there you go. The reason I mention this is because she had two guests who had been contestants in Donald Trump's 'Apprentice' reality programme. One was white, the other black, and they did not care for each other at all. Snippets from the programme showed the two trading rather hefty insults — bitch, whore, cunt, Enron executive and so on. Then the black contestant dropped her ultimate bombshell: during one particularly nasty argument the white girl had called her a nigger. The shock, the horror, the absolute disbelief was just etched on the faces Oprah's middlebrow, middle-class, middling intellect audience members. Not NIGGER! (Which, by the way, was referred to as 'the N-word' throughout the rest of the show.)

Call someone a slut, a cocksucking cuntwhore, a jizz-filled pigsack of fuckyou, just don't call 'em a nigger (or kaffer if you're reading locally). Why not? Because that's apparently taking it too far, using someone's ethnicity to insult them. Oh the shame of it! My entire point is thus: surely the intention of an insult is to hurt, humiliate and anger. Even if you're not racist, surely you want to find that one insult that'll do the most damage — call a woman a cunt, or a man a cocksucker, an overweight person a fat fuck, or a black person a nigger. Ergo, fat paraplegic black lesbians get the best insults.

There's almost a Geneva Convention on insults in our society. Think about how you manufacture your own: pick on someone's stature, their weight, their baldness, their inability to walk, their dress sense, but never their ethnicity because that's a sacred thing. Fuck all y'all. If you want to insult someone, don't beat around the bush, give it to them right in the face. I favour the 'Shock and Awe' method when it comes to insults — the first thing that comes out of your mouth should be so demeaning, so intolerant, so unacceptable that your insultee is so shocked that their only recourse to be in a different room from you, and walk away with a permanent case of 'What the fucking fuck?'.

Try it youself by practising insults on these famous people:
Quentin Tarantino: Go back to the video store, you desparate, overrated talentless plagiaristic white trash wanker.
Winne Mandela: Go fuck yourself, you fat ugly discarded embezzling murdering has-been kaffer bitch.
George Bush: Suck my cock, alcoholic illiterate fucking warmongering inbred monkey son of a douchebag fuckwad.

That was more fun that I thought... cool. Now it's your turn:
Britney Spears: email it to me
Robert Mugabe: email it to me
Pope John Paul II: email it to me
People who actually watch 'Everybody Loves Raymond': email it to me