I detest advertising. I was supposed to go into advertising — I did aptitude tests and they said a career in advertising would be perfect for me. Not because I was creative or particularly funny, but because I’m a lying, whoring, soulless cocksucker. Advertising exists solely to make you feel insecure, jealous, afraid, horny, or — if you're particularly good — all of the above in equal measures. Gone are the days when advertising merely outlined the benefits of using the product, now it's all about the LSM, target markets, and fucking over the consumer. Faddism drives the entire industry — the cars they portray, the look of the models they use, the slogans that slip like modern mantras from their lying lips.

The ones that fuck me off the most are the latest 3-word slogans preferred by banks. "Simpler. Better. Faster." or "Today. Tomorrow. Together." Let me try my own, I'm supposedly good at this: "Suck. My. Cock." For those of you not already familiar with the banking environment, I will demonstrate it for you in a nutshell. You walk into the bank, up to the teller and you ask “How much money can I buy for R1?” The teller looks you straight in the eye and says “About 75 cents”. Bastards. And then they have the audacity to buy hundreds of minutes of TV airtime with our money to tell us how they’re the friendlist, most caring people you could ever hope to meet.

Every bank loves to portray itself as the friend of the people, always on your side, taking care of your problems for you. But you know that's just to get you to join. The vast chasm that exists between the image and the reality is laughable. Here's a few tips for banks that will genuinely create an atmosphere of trust:
• Clear cheques immediately. "No, we can't," the banks whinge. "There's too much fraud!" So, because of the odd few who try to cheat the system, everyone has to wait seven days before a cheque clears. Oh, wait, that's seven working days, as if some employee has to do something to my cheque each day for seven days before they can clear it — take it for a walk, maybe, or give it a nice bath. A bank is a place that takes your cheque, clears the money immediately into their own account, earns seven days worth of interest, and then have the audacity to charge you for processing. Fuckers.
• Don't repossess my house/car because I defaulted on the 10th-last payment. You know exactly how it goes: defaulting on your 10th payment is no problem, because you've still to pay them half a million bucks. Default on your 10th-last payment and they'll foreclose faster than you can say "bend over and take it up the ass". Why? Because you've already paid them 400k and they get the house back for a lousy buck. Fuckers.
• Stop with your ridiculous charges. After all the money and business you bring, they still have the nerve to charge you for processing, stamps, online banking, changing money, transfers and stop orders. Can you believe they're now charging you to deposit cash? Cash? You bunch of soulless money-grubbing fuckwads. They might as well just put an employee at the entrance to every bank with a tin mug marked 'Fuck all of you' into which you place a hundred bucks.
• Could you please have the human decency not to charge

Banks are the next to go. After bloodsucking record companies who peddle talentless one-hit wonders as if they were revolutionary, banks should get it up the ass next. And I don't mean that in a nice way.

Of course, the best slogan in modern times is the one that never needs rewriting. Would I love to be the creative director at Mastercard's agency. Come up with a catchy phrase in 1997, and never have to do an ounce more work. Here's one I would love to see:

5 grammes of cocaine: R1500
17 Rohypnols: R400
4 bottles of Cristal: R3000
Never having to think of another slogan in my whole fucking life: Priceless

So, if you are personally in marketing or advertising, you can do us all a huge favour — I suggest a nice trip to the Netherlands. Where assisted suicide is legal. There's no point carrying on with your pathetic life, you don't fulfill any beneficial role in society, so just fucking end it. Here are a few websites you might want to investigate:

http://www.internationaltaskforce.org/fctholl.htm
http://www.freep.com/suicide/
http://www.longwood.edu/library/suic.htm

Good luck. From all of us.