Is it just me, or have the current government turned into a bunch of self-serving wankers? Whilst I don't vote for them (or that whiney fuck who leads the opposition, just for the record), I feel sorry for those who did. Clutching their barcoded ID books, heady with the prospect of a flushing toilet or streetlights, they come in their droves to put them back in power. But, and please repeat this after me, democracy is a sham. A huge lie to get us to go on being good worker ants, satisfied with our ability to draw an illiterate's signature on a piece of paper every 4 years. But here's the fun part: since we have no recall (the ability to kick politicians out of their positions at any time just by voting) in this country, we're shackled to whatever crazy neo-Communist agenda the regime fancies as flavour of the month. In other words, do you think we would have had a ARV rollout if it wasn't an election year? Fuck dat. As far as I can see, the current government's policy is one more AIDS victim means one fewer house to build.
But we've always been a Go-Go-Gadget country for the most part. If you've not had the good fortune — nay, priviledge — to watch Inspector Gadget as a kid, allow me to explain. Inspector Gadget is a policeman whose attempts at fighting crime could best be described as "a good try, better luck next time". Notwithstanding the fact that his body is comprised of machinery which allows him to lengthen his arms, produce a helicopter out of his head, and various other hi-tech surprises — hence the 'Go-Go-Gadget Helicopter/Arms/Microscope' refrain — he is somewhat less than effective. Usually, it's his neice and her pet dog who do the actual crime fighting.
So we need roads. And houses. And hospitals. Does the goverment come up with a viable, embezzlement-free plan to provide it? Hell no. It's a simple case of 'Go-Go-Gadget Infrastructure' and let the 12-year old and her mutt get on with it. You may have seen many of the government's Go-Go-Gadget plans in action, some of my favourites being 'Go-Go-Gadget Schooling System', 'Go-Go-Gadget Gender Equality' and 'Go-Go-Gadget Multiracial Constitution'. The last one being the worst: exactly what kind of delusional asshole prides himself on the world's most egalitarian, non-racial constitution on one hand, and follows a policy of affirmative action on the other? Is AA (and I'm not talking about my weekly gloat session with depressed tee-totalers) necessary? Of course. Is it non-racial? Fuck no. I can't wait until they have to re-open some of the old apartheid race-classification centres where they stick a pencil in your hair before they stick a dick up your ass. See how they tap-dance their way past that one...
Never mind that we have an inferiority complex of epic proportions. Here’s a little fun fact for you: Did you know that South Africa is the only country in the world to be named after its geographical position? South… Africa…. So sad. Somehow we seem to get off claiming that we’re the biggest and best in Africa — the biggest shop in Africa, the biggest sports channel in Africa, the best road system in Africa. Look me in the eye … open those dirt-encrusted black holes you call your ears ... take this in and ponder it seriously … claiming to be the best in Africa is like waving your dick around at a nudist colony for eunuchs. No-one else gives a fuck.
Jozi is ruled by crime. Or, more appropriately, The Crime™. People talk about it in hushed whispers from Sandton to Brixton, so as not to bring the swift retribution of The Crime™ down upon them. Like some mythical bird — a giant eagle maybe — The Crime™ stalks previously affluent Northern Suburbs. "Don't go there," we're warned. "The Crime™ will get you." Swooping down from above in a blaze of hellfire to snatch innocent victims from the street and depositing them in her nest, where hundreds of rapists, hijackers and corrupt policemen wait to peck at your entrails. "It's The Crime™," we wail. "If only the government could do something about The Crime™."
But none of us want the crime to actually go away. Not really. Because crime is macho, crime is glamorous, and crime is exactly what we perpetrate when we buy a gramme of coke. If you genuinely want the crime to go away, try this: stop being a fucking criminal. Throw out all your drugs. Never get high again. Ever. "But DBM, that's not hurting anyone," is usually the line I hear. "That's a personal decision and I'm the only one who bears the consequences." Like fuck you do. Where do you think the 300 bucks you pay to a Nigerian crime lord goes to? A Nigerian Criminal Lost AIDS Orphans Crochet Home? Not a chance. That money goes straight back into the Crime Economy. Which is just a nice, technical way of saying the gun that shot your child is the gun you paid for. Doesn't this make sense to anyone else?
And, oh yes, stop driving drunk, which is of course a great South African tradition. Or a national sport. I'm surprised they don't award Provincial Colours in driving poes dronk. In most civilised countries (and I am excluding the US here, by the way) people are alcohol aware because the penalties are too great. But here, people swap drunk driving anecdotes at social gatherings. "Damn, I was so fucked, man, I don't even know how I got home. I woke up in my flatmate's bed with earbuds sticking out of my ass. Shit man, what a fucking laugh!" Just think — if The Crime™ suddenly disappeared, the police would have nothing to do on a Saturday night other than waiting for your 15-whiskey ass to come driving along.
Here are a few more helpful suggestions to make South Africa a crime-free
zone:
• Stop downloading MP3s and videos.
• Stop hacking software.
• Stop cheating on your tax returns.
• Stop driving over the speed limit.
• Stop stealing shit from your office, or making personal phonecalls
from an office phone.
• Stop having sex with girls younger than 16 (Maybe that's just
me).