I recently saw a video of an American twat getting his head hacked off with a big knife on an Arabic website. The entire santimonious American movie marketing industry shown up by one grainy, 2-minute clip of an imperialist bastard getting his head chopped off. Now Iraqi insurgents might be new to this marketing media thing, but they sure as hell know what sells: snuff TV. I began to fantasise about the people I hate, and how I too could bring mega-hits to my site just by killing off a few of them.

People who make movie trailers
There are companies that specialise in this now — 90-second blipvert fuckers with an apparent arsenal of absurdly hyperbolic rhetorical questions:
"Are you ready for raw adrenalin?"
"Can your brain handle the total onslaught?"
"What is the most terrifying thing you've ever experienced?"
"Will your wallet survive our ludicrous prices?" (Just so you know, all movie theatre popcorn is scooped up from the floor of the theatre and placed back in the popcorn machine. Which is why there's sometimes salt on it already.)

There might be people who like their trailers a 1/60th scale model of the real thing, but it bugs the shit outta me. It’s as if we’re pre-programmed with the emotions we will need while watching the movie itself.

“In this movie you will experience joy, you will gain pleasure, some heartache and a touch of betrayal. You will know the actors, the characters, the plot twists and even most of what we jokingly refer to as the subtext. See all the best special effects and most of the decent dialogue. Leave nothing to chance! Come and see our movie! Oh and, by the way, there's a pretty good chance you'll get to see her tits twenty feet tall if you shell out your 35 bucks. (25 bucks for 30 feet of tits for our valued Gold Members.)"

It wouldn't all be so godawful if it weren't for the smug and satisfied hard sell from that guy, with his deep and trustworthy voice. Someone ought to cut his fucking head off and show it on an Arab website.

That dead AIDS kid
It's not like he could do anything useful like mix me a martini, all he had was AIDS. Which is not a valuable commodity: I bet I could find 20 of 'em in a 1km radius just by walking the streets. I'm sure as shit not going to find any diamonds or supermodel rejects with low self-esteem. The only reason he got famous in the first place is because he lived close to the SABC and the film crews didn't have to drive into Soweto to get footage of a black kid dying of AIDS. Like a modern-day Tom Norman with his prize of John Merrick, the Elephant Man, his adopted mother revelled in the piety by association she received. Hopefully she will have her head sawn off on an Arabic website in the not-too-distant future.

Women who deride pornography
I'm sick and tired of women who bad vibe porn. There's this gorgeous girl telling me how it's "so juvenile and gross and you men are all alike blah blah blah". Keeping in mind that I'm getting nothing from this girl... I mean, not even a drunken sympathy blowjob on my birthday ... she has the nerve to sit there and lecture me when she could single-handedly make porn redundant in 3 1/2 minutes. Fuck you, bitch, here's a plane ticket to Iraq.

Rappers who scream abuse when they get arrested
"We're all on smack, we're gonna rape your mother. We all have gats and we're gonna shoot your brother. Suck my dick, bitch, and take it up the ass. We're all crazy psycho-fucks who'll kill you during Mass." OK, so my rap lyrics wouldn't win a fucking prize. But these apparently brain-damaged individuals act surprised when they get arrested or harrassed. My point is, it's a fucking confession that happens to rhyme. Might as well get them to sign the lyric sheet and put them in jail. Don't wanna be hassled by the police, dumbass? Don't sing about killing other people. It's quite obvious to non brain-damaged musicians.

Black South Africans who've sold out to America
What happened to all that Black Consciousness bullshit that was continually being shoved down my throat by enlightened black classmates in my early 20s? The worst insult was being "Eurocentric" — too concerned with what was going on overseas, not interested enough in local culture. Well, can I start wearing my indie jangle wank band T-shirts again now, assholes? 'Cos you've got your dick in America's ass right now, don't ya? If I hear another black African saying "Aight" or calling someone else a "Nigga", I'm gonna see about that block booking at the Iraqi Sheraton. You fucks have just sold yourselves out more than Apartheid ever did. Is this what your parents died for? So you can listen to Usher and wear Fubu? Assholes.

People who don't want to see an American's head cut off on an Arab Website
You obviously still don't understand. I saw someone's HEAD being CUT OFF right there ON CAMERA with AUDIO. Man, does this make a Tarantino movie look like a pile of dogshit. More so than normal, I mean. Think about it this way: one dog takes a shit and then later another, a completely arbitrary (yet perhaps smaller) dog comes along takes a shit right on top of the first dog's shit... What the fuck are you doing reading an online column about dogs shitting? Get back to work, you lazy fuck.