A plea for sanity
 

The terrifying reality of having lived longer than three decades means you'll certainly be exposed to that most pernicious of social ills: the retread. Sooner or later, someone will make the decision that twenty years ago is so... NOW! Could be that cycles naturally repeat themselves, could be that the marketing machine runs out of ideas and decides to sell us everything we bought all over again, just in a different format. Of course the more terrifying possibility is that these kids actually think that the eighties was cool. I was there and, take my word for it, it was about as cool as a covert masturbation session in the car on the way home with your mom driving. And your little brother in the back seat. And Barry Manilow is on the radio. And you like it.
 

The Six Million Dollar Man
Only the American military could spend six million dollars (that's one hundred million billion in today's money) on a project that looks like it cost $29.95 in spare change. Which dickless idiot decided that a fat, 30-something bastard in a tracksuit who sweats profusely looks like he has superpowers if you slow him down? Lee Majors struggles to pick up polyurethane rocks for fucksake. Then you had that ridiculous noise whenever he used any of his bionic parts, just so you knew he was using them, and wasn't just a fat bastard having difficulty with running in slow motion. I mean, wouldn't this noise make him a downright liability in undercover policing? Stupid concept. Fucking stupid show. If you liked it, you can subtract 20 points of cool. Fifty if you watched it in Afrikaans.

If you're gonna nitpick that the show aired in America in the late 70s, try these:

Buck Rogers in the 25th Century
A touching and beautiful story of a man accelerated through time 500 years only to find that his 70s hairstyle and beer gut have come with him. A favourite of those who like their portly action heroes dressed in spandex.

The Littlest Hobo
A touching and beautiful story of a dog who roams the neighbourhood, spreading rabies and solving people's problems only to find that they squirt acid on him and burn his eyes out with a soldering iron. OK, that last part was mine. It would have made a good episode though.

CHiPs
A touching and beautiful story of two homoerotically-charged young motorcycle cops who learn the true reason for having handcuffs. In the season finale, one of the men finds out that he is the only hispanic in LA allowed to have a driver's license.

T.J. Hooker
A touching and beautiful story of Heather Locklear in a policeman's uniform. Actually, this show rocked.
 

Rubik's Snake
Having made a fucking fortune out of the original Rubik's Cube, they thought they would bring out another groundbreaking, fantastically simple yet completely addictive puzzle game. Instead they made this piece of shit. Oh look! You can make it into a swan! And a sphere! And ... another swan! And ..... a smaller swan! And a kind of swan-sphere, which is what would happen if a swan and a sphere got into the same telepod together and got fused at a genetic level! Fuck right off. It's a piece of shit.
 

Breakdancing
Do you people have any idea how fucking stupid this actually is? Something this stupid should only be allowed to be perpetrated once in human history. Like the Holocaust. They should set up a Nuremberg Trial for breakdancers.

You are hereby found guilty of crimes against humanity, including (but not limited to) making your arm into a wiggly snake, spinning on your head, moonwalking, and that dumb things that gymnasts do on a pommel horse. You are sentenced to death by commercial co-option.

 
 

Berets
It's not a hat, it's not a piece of fresh cowshit, it's a magical combination of the two. So stupid the Green Berets have to carry machine guns to stop people from laughing at them openly in the street. It's a half-flopped soufflé dripping down the side of your head... what are you thinking?
 

Short Circuit
Irritating piece of shit movie where a top-secret military combat robot learns to like flowers and thus discovers his own humanity. Doesn't use his secret military weapons at all, and I mean not once. Doesn't flamethrow an entire Vietnamese village and then watch as fleeing schoolchildren are blown to shit by anti-personnel mines. Doesn't use his super laser cutter to extract Ally Sheedy from her knickers. Spends 80 minutes learning to read instead. What the fuck did they make this movie for?

The Karate Kid
An old Oriental man makes a young karate student his bitch and forces him to paint the house, wax the cars, sand the patio and paint the fence. Thus teaching him karate. Left millions of parents ecstatic and millions of house painters, patio sanders, car waxers and fence painters strangely confused about getting their asses kicked at karate competitions.
 

Space Shuttle Challenger blowing the fuck up on live TV
Actually, this was ace. 7 Americans blown to shit in a giant inferno of liquid propellant and billion dollar toilets. They could show this over and over and I'd never get sick of it. They should have a whole channel for it. I'd watch. They could put Nick Berg on it too. And President Kennedy. They could get that kid from Diff'rent Strokes to host it. Oh wait, he's dead.

Petition the SABC to reshow this over and over by clicking here:
comments@sabc.co.za

 
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