My deep and abiding hatred for advertising is well documented because I detest being manipulated into wanting something I don't have any use for. These are just some of the things advertisers do because they know I get pissed off.
Humanise their products
A recent ad for washing powder claims that the product "gets straight
to work" on your clothes. As if the molecules of powder are of Asian
descent and have an excellent work ethic. Just give 'em a bowl of rice
and they'll happily clean your clothes for you. As if another washing
powder just kinda sits around, smoking weed and masturbating and has to
eventually be cajoled into doing some work. Fucking ridiculous. There's
a box of washing powder that I can actually see as I write this, and this
one claims to have "Smart Activ Targeters". Which just makes
me equally irritated for a whole bunch of reasons. First of all, let's
get something straight between us: illiteracy is not hip. Leaving out
letters, substituting Ph for an F and spelling everything that starts
with a C with a fucking K instead, is not cool at all. Get over it. If
I see one more trendy flyer talking about "Kounter Kulture"
or "Phly Girlz" I will practise mass genocide. On you. Bunch
of phuqin' kunts. If it's so unique and trendy to be illiterate, there
are hundreds of Soweto schools filled to bursting point with aspirant
advertising executives. As another cooler person than me remarked, we
have reached the point where only rampant and unchecked stabbing can save
us now.
Use the phrase "up to"
The mascara that gives you "up to" 3 times more lift. The batteries
that last "up to" 6 times longer. The fact that I fucked "up
to" a million women last night. Are you getting the picture? "Up
to" obviously includes the number zero. Fuckall. Not a thing. And
you just know that that "up to" figure will never be attained
by you, the wretched consumer. The "up to" figure was a freak
accident in the laboratory when the R&D staff were dropping shrooms
and urinating into the test batch late one night. Give me the average,
motherfuckers, not the highest number on the chart. When I take over the
world, any advertiser caught using the phrase "up to" will be
smeared with their own shit and electrocuted around the genital area.
But have daily breaks of "up to" 24 hours, which will really
mean none. You can glean an advertiser's true meaning by simply substituting
the words "up to" with "fuck you" in any given sentence.
For example, "this polish will make your car's paint last fuck you
5 times longer". Or "our shampoo will make your hair fuck you
30% stronger".
Sell you Rock Soup
This one comes from some fable I read when I was a kid, but it's a perfect
metaphor for shitty products that don't actually do anything. The story
goes something like this: two travellers arive in a town during a famine,
carrying only a pot. If the townsfolk will let them stay the night, they
will make rock soup for everyone. They put some rocks into the pot and
start to boil. Upon tasting, they remark that the rock soup isn't bad,
but it would taste much better with some onions. And carrots. And celery.
The townsfolk are tricked into providing the actual ingredients and everyone
enjoys the fantastic "rock soup". The same principle works in
advertising, like the weight loss pills that only work "in conjunction
with a healthy diet and exercise". It might come as a shock, but
if you're not eating McDonalds and you get off your fat ass from time
to time, you will lose weight anyway. Fuck the stupid pills.
Terrify you into buying crap
"Is your family safe at night? Aren't you worried that some crazed
darkie will murder you in your sleep? You should be. Poor people are violent,
and YOU'RE next!" Combine this with visuals of some balaclava-clad
burglar shining his torch on your kids' sleeping faces and you're off
to get that gun/viscious dog/electric fence right away. When all else
fails, the most effective strategy to sell you bullshit is "if you
don't buy our product, you'll die". Which just adds members to the
national paranoia club, a rapidly growing fraternity of people who enjoy
life by cowering behind electric fences and Auschwitz-style perimeter
security. Has it ever occurred to you that if you drive a half-a-million
rand car in a country where the majority of the population live below
the poverty line, you actually deserve to die? I'll come over and shoot
you in the head myself, in fact. Send an email with the body I am
an ostentatious cunt with more money than I deserve. Please, DBM, put
me out of my misery. I'll be right over.
Get suckered into trendy phrases
I remember the nineties. Mostly. Everything was "cyber". Cyberfood.
Cybersex. Cyber reading glasses. Now everything in the world has become
"extreme", or, more irritatingly, "x-treme". Extreme
sport. Extreme cars. Extreme toothpaste, for fucksake. I don't know if
you idiots know this, but there's nothing extreme about toothpaste. It's
the same old shit, only it has the word "extreme" on the packaging
to appeal to the new "extreme" market. Which, if you're under
25 and/or still think skateboarding is cool, is you. Stupid enough to
think that your toothpaste needs to be able to ride a BMX, or do those
ridiculous "look ma, no hands!" stunts on motorbikes. This method
of selling you shite is closely allied to the "show the world how
unique and individualistic you are by buying this mass-produced product"
method.
Convince you that you can save money by spending it
"Buy this dining room suite and save R1000!" No, actually, you
fuckers, I've spent three grand. I haven't saved fuckall. You cannot save
money by spending it. That's why save is the opposite of spend. The other
phrase that always gets me hopping mad is "We'll will give you this
piece of dogshit, valued at fifteen million, absolutely free!" Now
I may not be the sharpest pencil in your nose during a matric algebra
exam, but even I know that the value of an object is dependent on how
much someone else will pay for it. Ergo, if it is free, it has no value.
Especially if no-one would buy a piece of shit on its own. Which is unlikely,
unless you're looking for an African curio to give to your second cousin
in Arizona.
Put a Turbo in Everything
Let's just get this out of the way first: a turbo (or turbocharger) is
a device which pressurises the air going into the intake manifold of an
internal combustion engine, thus increasing horsepower. It has nothing
whatsoever to do with razors, washing machines, VCRs, televisions, computers,
steam irons, fertiliser or sex aids. Just get over it, if it doesn't have
sparkplugs, it can't have a fucking turbo. But you know that "turbo"
is just another term attached to the name of the product, like movies
have sequels, in a truly Newspeak kinda way. First there was the Gillette
Mach 3 razor. Then it became the Mach 3 Turbo (despite not having any
kind of engine or one single moving part). Now it's the Mach 3 Turbo Champion.
What the fuck is next? The Gillette Mach 3 Turbo Champion Getlaid Blah
Fucking Blah Doubleplusgood? How would you fit that on the packaging?
Using the phenomenally tired Your/Your Catchphrase
The equivalent of a paint-by-numbers tagline. Take a product like Lifestyle
panty liners. Add huge amounts of cocaine and Red Bull. Come up with a
fucking dumb slogan like "Your Life. Your Style." Charge the
client a million bucks. Irritate me when I'm trying to watch Agriforum.
My response to this is usually Well, if it's mine, I'm coming over
to fetch it. How much do you think you could get for a slightly worn
national television broadcaster?
Phenomenally tired Your/Your hitlist
SABC (multiple felonies): Your [insert patronising noun]. Your SABC.
Hugo Boss: Your Fragrance. Your Rules.
Ate Brakepads: Your life. Your brakes. [Thanks to Emma R]