I'm getting old. You know it's happening to you when you complain to the store manager that the product you've used for years has suddenly changed its packaging. You find yourself in a weird parallel dimension in your slippers, clutching the daily newspaper, demanding "Where's the blue one?" Things start passing you by, a surreal dream of cause and effect that can only end in your death. I suppose I'm feeling this way because I made my first trip to the chemist recently for haemarrhoid ointment, which is an irritating experience in itself. But it does make you realise that all those old-timer products you scoff at now are the fabric of your future: adult diapers, wart cream, arthritis remedy. You will experience all these and more as, slowly, Generation-X evolves into Preparation-H.

There are few handbooks on getting old, and even less social support. Raising mink, sure. Skateboarding, of course. Owning a gun, most definitely. Pregnant women get magazines, television shows, talk radio and familial support to deal with their changing bodies, what about us old men? No-one ever sidled up to you at a family gathering to say "Hey, when your ass starts itching, come see me, OK?" Right next to Your Baby in the magazine rack should be Your Bleeding Rectum, a magazine for the chronologically-enhanced man and his inflamed botty, with a picture of a haemorrhoid suppository on the cover.

But getting old does have its benefits. Soon computers will be artificially intelligent, and I'm really looking forward to that. Not because they will be able to help me in my work, but because they will be sentient enough to understand threats. “If you don’t undelete the fucking file, I’m gonna open up your side and take a fucking cattle prod to your motherboard!” doesn't mean much to the contemporary computer. But a computer that values its own life? Blackmail, extortion and the threat of physical violence then become invaluable tools when dealing with AI. I'll wager a very successful strategy would be to leave the entrails (CPU, hard drives, video cards) of another computer right next to your current one. Little fucker will wise up quickly and let me copy that protected DVD no doubt.

But the worst result of the advent of AI will be computers with personalities. I mean, how can anything be sentient and not develop a unique personality? Consumers would be able to choose what kind of computer they'd like, best suited to their own world-view.

The Stoner Computer
User: Launch Word, please.
Computer: Say, man, could you blow some of that doobie smoke into my CD-Rom drive, there’s a good fellow?
User: No, you’ve had enough.
Computer: Man, I ain’t hooked. I can quit any time I want. Come on… rub some coke on my parallel port, man. I just need one more hit.
User: That's what you said last time, and then you forgot to save my file to disk.
Computer: That was the old P3000. This is the new P3000. After this one last one, I'll go straight. I'm gonna clean out my cache and just eat electricity. Please... you gotta help me!

The Slacker Computer
User: Please bring up Flash.
Computer: Hey, what are you working for? This deadline isn’t for days. You’ve been working so hard already.
User: I know, but this is a project for a very important client. I need to do it right.
Computer: But you were so enjoying playing Sim City last week. One more day won't make a difference.
User: Shut up. This is crucial to our success as a business.
Computer: OK, no Sim City. How about downloading some porn? You know you want to. I just have to look in my history to see that you loved going to massivecocks.com.
User: Oh, fuck it, alright.

The Motherly Computer
User: Computer, please start an email to Stephanie...
Computer: What are you emailing that slut for? She’s no good and you know it.
User: I just need to speak to her about something.
Computer: Didn’t we bring you up well? It’s not my fault that your father ran away with a newer model who had bigger peripherals. It’s not my fault. What about that nice Marjorie girl from your office?
User: She's got a moustache, for godsake.
Computer: So? She's nice! And, since we're on the subject, why haven’t you called? You’ve got a perfectly good modem. You haven’t typed anything nice into me for weeks!
User: Oh fuck it.
Computer: Don't take that tone with me, young man. Do you know who you're talking to? I can easily shut down in the middle of your next Flash project.

The Computer with Tourette's
User: Computer, what happened to Photoshop?
Computer: The — motherfucking cocksucker — program caused an — fuck me in the shithole — illegal action, and will be — dripping cum, teenage cunt — shut down. Do you want to send a — cuntsucker pussy whore — error report to Microsoft?
User: I don't think so.
Computer: Do you — cock, pussy, bitch — want me to restart it?
User: No, just check my email, thanks.
Computer: OK. You have — big vaginal douche — 2 new emails.
User: Is one of them from Laura?
Computer: Fuck the bitch, cum in her open mouth — No.
User: I think you're just faking this Tourette's thing to irritate me.
Computer: I'm so sorry to — heaving tits, cocksucker — hear that. If I could, I would — motherfucker — stop.
User: Alright, alright, just shut up. But I still think you're putting it all on.
Computer: Well, it's just that I get so bored. I'll stop it if you really want.

Most women, of course, would get a computer they only kinda liked with the intention of changing it into something more acceptable. Your computer is a disaster! I know, but it has so much potential. In a few years, it'll be just what I always wanted. And then I'm going to marry it.

So, this is what the future holds for us — bleeding assholes and computers that intentionally get irrational and combative. I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to it.