I must admit I'm getting fucking sick and tired of "reality" talent shows. No-one with talent ever had to enter a talent contest. These abominations on television — which turn musical careers into a gameshow — are just a way of creating hype around hopeless, talentless fuckers. The hugest, most expensive karaoke programmes in the world is what these annoying, xeroxed insults to good taste have become. The contestants then reach a status of vague importance, just enough to sell their goddamn awful solo CDs, by being put in your face on television every day. Our media-soaked brains immediately make the connection that if they're on the tele-screen, they must be good and worthy of our attention deficit. People used to be famous for being special, now they're special for being famous.

I caught the first episode of The Simple Life last night... and I must admit that the Taliban may have a point. This is the kind of terrifying shit they use in suicide bomber orientation classes to demonstrate how American culture has no place on this earth. And I tend to agree. It's Winston Smith's one-minute hate session, except this shit went on for a half hour. Try to sit down a desperately starving Sudanese refugee and explain to him that there are people who have gotten to rich off other people's misery — and I don't think misery is too strong a word for the daughter of one of the world's most imperialist hotel chains and the daughter of Lionel fucking Richie — that they will actually go and live with poor people for fun. And then get paid for it, because it's entertainment.

Paris Hilton must be one of the most contemptible people ever to grace world consciousness. A fucking bubble-headed, cocaine-tooting slut who has had everything in life literally handed to her and hasn't even learned to find her brain, let alone use it. And I really don't think 3 minutes of badly home-made porn makes up for it — she's a product of pure decadence and a blight on the conscience of the world. The best possible use for Paris Hilton would be as a giant, anorexic piñata to be beaten with sticks by Mexican farm labourers until everything that was inside comes out. How do you like that, fucking bitch? It's called weight loss by amputation. How else can you react to a person so vile that they want to buy the Arkansas house they shared for 5 weeks, just to destroy it for their own sense of closure. Lana Schwitzer — the Hilton family's mouthpiece — is quoted as having said that "the [Hiltons] will probably offer them a million dollars, just to make sure the family takes the deal". It's time these fucks realised that everything cannot be reduced to dollar signs.

Paris Hilton (I mean, for fucksake, if you know your last name is Hilton, don't give your child a city's name, asshole) must be one of the seven signs which foretell the coming of Satan in Revelations. Or something. It's the seven signs foretelling something uncool. And Paris Hilton is it.

And, yeah verily, there shall come a tremendous blight upon the land, and the people shall gnash their teeth and search for the remote control. Locusts, water turning to blood, even the death of the firstborn shall seem as nothing compared to the punishment which shall be visited upon you. A maiden shall come from the West, and she shall be without any body fat, her hair shall be as pale as straw that hath been too many times peroxided. And it is said that she shall rule for a half hour on Wednesdays, from 7pm until half the hour of eight. And so shall she destroy the minds of men, not by sling or arrow, but by the very force of her vacuousness. And she shalt have with her the seed of another man much hated throughout the civilised world, and they shalt be as fucking twits together.

I say blow them up, the fucking lot of them. America has very much got that crumbling empire feeling to it, much like Rome must've just before they all went mad from lead in the aquaducts: the decadence, the arrogance, the high that only being the biggest and baddest civilisation in the fucking world can bring. The quicker it sinks, the better. Which is why I would actually prefer George Bush to be re-elected, for the simple reason that it will only entrench the rest of the world's hatred for them even further.

How these so-called reality shows have anything to do with reality whatsoever eludes me. All it says to me is that the corporations that programme our brains through the tele-screen have run out of ideas. I obviously just don't get it: why should you reward someone with a million bucks just because they didn't leave a house for six weeks? Or suffered for a whole 40 days on a deserted beach with no crime, no car guards, no glue kids, no work and nothing to do but lay around and fish? It's because this is what these obnoxious, pampered little shits consider hardship. I've got a great idea for a reality show: 16 people go to work in a shitty job, have to support children they hate and spouses they resent, flitting away their insignificant littles lives pretending it makes a difference what they achieve. For 40 years. And when the game is over, you die. And no-one ever wins fuckall. Some would say that's exactly the game we're all playing right now: we struggle through this pathetic excuse for an existence because that prize — the raise, the big car, the supermodel girlfriend — is dangled in front of us, just out of reach. Just enough to make you keep trying, and passing on that dumbass attitude to your children if you were stupid enough to have any.