Feminists are a bunch of twits. First and foremost because their entire doctrine presupposes that women are inferior and that us evil men have you all at a disadvantage. A feminist is someone who will put her sister in a hole and then shout at her to climb out and claim her power. "Women need to be protected," a feminist will argue. Why? Because they're so useless that they need special dispensation just to compete equally? What a fucking insult to women the world over. But it's that self-righteous "I'm educated and emancipated and you're so stupid that you need my help" attitude that pisses me off the most. So I've decided to take 20 minutes to debunk a few other feminist myths — well, at least until my wife comes home and moans about me using her computer.

Feminist Myth #1: Women are Objectified
Bring your brain-damaged little head here and listen for a second. Everyone is objectified. We are nothing more than our face value to 99.9% of people we'll ever meet in our lives. And I'm sure models and Playmates feel terrible when they're earning a million bucks — despite little or no education or any other skills — to show their tits in a magazine. I would love to strip down and earn fuckloads of money for just being there. But if — like me — you are too damn ugly or too damn old to earn your keep this way, don't stand in the way of those who can. We should all be so lucky. I guess it just irks the feminists to death that some women choose to service the male obsession with boobies and get paid for it. These women, they argue, have been duped: they are nothing more than pathetic airheads with no intelligence who have been co-opted into a misogynist society. Shame on you for giving them so little credit, or the ability to make their own decisions... who's being repressive now?

Feminist Myth #2: Women should get Maternity Leave
Explain this to me: a woman decides to get pregnant (in other words, she makes a conscious choice) and then demands 6 months off to nurse the little shit and recover. How the fuck does this work? Can I get cocaine leave because I decide to become a drug addict? Can I get jail leave because I choose to stab someone in the head? Apparently not. Everyone makes choices, and then takes the consequences. Want a high-paying job? Then you have to sacrifice the idea of having a family. Procreation is a choice, not a right — there are far too many mewling brats in the world anyway. I'd like to make it more difficult, not easier, to shit out another whole person, thanks. Every day, people make sacrifices for their life decisions — only children still believe that you can have your cake and eat it. I cannot be a fighter pilot because they won't allow you to have open beverage containers in the cockpit. So I weigh up my options: am I more interested in shooting down MiGs, or am I more interested in getting totally wasted on cheap alco-pop? I think the answer is obvious.

Feminist Myth #3: Pornography Exploits Women
Actually, this one is correct, pornography does exploit women. That's why it's called a job. If you're getting paid to do something you find offensive and tiresome, you probably also have a job. Do you feel fairly treated by your boss? No? Well, then, you're being exploited. "But, DBM," you may wail, "these women feel debased and dirty, they don't want to do it. It's the only work they could get blah blah blah." Yeah? Well then, what the fuck is a waitress? I can't think of anyone who would enjoy that job either. They too feel dirty and used, and it probably is the only money they could earn. Why should it be any different just because one woman uses her hands and the other one her vagina? Fucking bunch of hypocrites.

Feminist Myth #4: The World would be So Much Better if Women were in Power
Oh sure. But between spreading malicious gossip about the Prime Minister of Burkina Faso and worrying whether the undersecretary for Foreign Affairs from Sweden thinks your ass looks fat in that dress, I don't know if the average woman would have the time for actual politics. Plus women would constantly be making deals with dictators whom they thought had "potential". I know Prince Abdel Ali Khan is a viscious madman with nuclear capability and a huge chip on his shoulder, but that's just because he hasn't met the right woman yet. I can change him. I know all that genocide is just a put-on to seem tough. But under that sadistic, barbaric exterior he's really just a teddybear. Women would base their choice of armaments on "colour and style". This one would go so nicely with the curtains in the Ministry of Defence. Women would find international assassins "rough and sexy", especially if they had tattoos and a history of domestic abuse. They might find that "as if you don't know!" is not a valid answer when the Secretary General of the United Nations asks you how you feel about Global Deforestation. Plus female politicians would find it tiresome to have to apply makeup to two faces every morning.

Feminist Myth #5: "Men have all the Power"
Someone sent me an email in response to this piece saying something along the lines of "you suck because it's quite obvious that, like, men have all the power. My 3rd year feminism textbook says blah blah blah Andrea Dworkin blah blah blah hegemony blah, like, blah blah patriarchal history" or at least that's what I read. I had to read it again though, because I was totally surprised. Apparently, I have all the power. I was shocked, you see, because no-one had sent me my membership card to this particular secret society of men who do whatever the fuck they want. All these years I've been trying to get along with my girlfriends when, in actual fact, they have to do whatever I say because I have all the power? Jesus Christ, why has no-one told me? No more watching Sex and the City when there's a perfectly good 70s zombie movie on the other channel? No more begging for pussy? In fact, why only have one girlfriend when I have all the power? I could get 7 girlfriends — one for each night of the week, and they're all fantastic both in bed and in the kitchen, have well-paying jobs and their own transport. These women show up at 6:30, cook dinner, fuck me hard dressed as famous Scream Queen actresses from the 80s, feed me dinner, do the dishes and leave by 9:30 so I can play Playstation. I mean, that should be easy if I have all the power. But I'm finding it a lot trickier than someone who is in a hegemonic position of dominant patriarchal history — or whatever the fuck my application should say on it. So fuck right off.

So the next time you have a feminist friend or relative start one of these arguments, you can stand firm. "You're lying, bitch," you can start, but always end up with "and that's why you have to mix me a martini." Remember this crucial fact, though: never add more vermouth than gin, and the olive is essential.