1. Stop having AIDS benefit concerts
I mean, it takes someone with the intelligence of a 7-year old to figure this one out. All you're doing is bringing thousands of strangers from across the country together in one spot, feeding them alcohol (because someone other than those poor, dying shits has to benefit from an "AIDS benefit"), and then letting them fuck each other stupid with no regard for consequences. You're creating more AIDS cases than you're solving, and each one of them is incurable. So just stop it already. Either that, or subject each member of the audience to a free HIV test — the sick ones are told to piss off. Or put in a cage where they can only have sex with one another.

2. Give the Health Minister AIDS
Seriously — someone should creep up behind her with a contaminated needle and WHAM! No more pussyfooting around the AIDS issue. In fact, every member of Parliament should get the jab. No more ridiculous debate about whether HIV causes AIDS, or whether garlic is a more effective treatment than ARVs, or holding the promise of free treatment like a carrot over the heads of the electorate during an election year. When it's their asses on the line, they'll get the funds released. There will be free hospitalisation, free treatment, proper counselling, and possibly a luxury car for every AIDS victim in the country. No more spending R80billion on weapons when the thing that's most likely to kill you is living in your body. And everyone will enjoy the spillover of spending. Plus the Health Minister looks like she could do with a touch of weight loss — diarrhoea coming out of her ass, rather than out of her mouth, for a change.

3. Kick the Catholic Church in the ass
What a bunch of fucking hypocrites, eh readers? Perpetuating the biggest lie the world has ever known just to keep themselves in power, condoning mass slaughter of "infidels", responsible for such fun things as the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition, refusing to get rid of known pedophiles in the priesthood... and they won't let you wear a piece of rubber on your cock because it's "bad". But I've got a way out of it, I've got just the ticket for all Catholics with common sense. And it's perfectly acceptable to the Church, apparently. What you need to do is have sex with a condom anyway, and then just ask god for forgiveness. Isn't that the favourite Christian game? Murder someone... and ask god for forgiveness. Steal something... and ask god for forgiveness. Why not use a fucking condom... and then ask god for forgiveness? It's brilliant, and follows the doctrine of the Church explicitly. No worries.

4. Shoot rapists in the back of the head
Oh, the poor capital punishment debate. So much bullshit has been argued back and forth that the entire argument has become redundant. "But it's not a deterrant, it turns the state into a murderer blah blah blah," moan the liberals. But these are the same people who are so brain damaged that they condone murdering unborn babies (abortion) but are against killing convicted murderers (the death penalty). I say shoot the fuckers in the head. It's not about being a deterrant, it's about the asshole criminal not doing it again. Corpses find it very, very difficult to bribe their way out of prison, unless they're zombies. Which makes AIDS the least of our problems. And I figure the 1% of wrongly convicted prisoners will have to accept that they've just become a very useful statistic used by bleeding hearts to argue against the death penalty. What more could one ask for? That's the kind of immortality we can only dream about.

5. Stop fucking
I know this will come as a surprise, but the best possible way to halt the AIDS epidemic is to stop fucking so much. That means you. Stop procreating like a crazed bunny on viagra. I get so fucking pissed off with people who proudly announce during talkshows that they have eight children, and then get applauded. Oh wow, eight children, that's something I find so impressive. Whereas the real reaction should be someone sticking a loudhaler in their face and screaming STOP FUCKING, YOU CUNT!!! STOP LOOKING SO PLEASED WITH YOURSELF!!! GO HOME AND CHOOSE THE TWO YOU LIKE MOST, AND DROWN THE OTHERS IN A SACK. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! That would be a talkshow worth watching. And, if you find the AIDS problem a worry, you should repeat the Stop Fucking mantra as often as you can. Stop thinking of babies as "god's miracle" and rather start thinking of them as "AIDS's little helpers". Having a baby is no more a miracle than taking a shit, so let's treat it that way.

6. Stop being so goddamn coy
We have a serious problem but the best we can do, as far as education is concerned, is a couple of lame-ass shows that speak so coyly about the debate they might as well be talking about menstruation. I will not believe that we are serious about the issue of AIDS until I see a man with an erect cock on morning television, demonstrating the proper way to slip on a condom. No bananas, no dildos, no fake plaster casts of penises. A real, live, cock, being wanked until the public can actually see where the semen is meant to collect. Until that happens, I will continue to feel as though we're tip-toeing around this issue, allowing our own prurience to kill us. It may not be pretty, but it will be damn effective. And I will be first in line to provide my penis to be manipulated by Leanne Manas on Morning Live. For my country, you understand.