People I Hate, Part II

You get to that time of year when everything is just starting to annoy you. Your subscription to Little Dutch Teens in Latex is withheld by the Post Office. The cute 19-year old you've been seducing online turns out to be a middle-aged man in women's underwear. You remember that Madonna actually still exists and legwarmers are becoming fashionable again. It can't get any worse. Until people show up and demonstrate that it can get much, much worse. So, in the spirit of the misanthropic season, here are some more individuals and groups who need their collective heads stuck into a wood chipper.

Vacuous models and celebrities

First of all, I have nothing against 15-year olds wearing sheer clothes in public, but I really do not need to hear them speak. The problem is that, for some unfathomable reason, people who are famous get the misconception that we care about what they think. Suddenly, because they've made a few movies or a mediocre CD, or shown their titties to fashion dykes on a runway in Belgium, their ridiculous and laughable opinions on life are supposed to matter? How did an inflated bank balance and matching ego suddenly make them more knowledgeable and more insightful than the clueless, brain-damaged intellectual equivalent of curry diarrhoea they were before? Yet microphones are shoved into their faces, soundbites from their pathetic, self-absorbed and ignorant chatter are broadcast over the world. As if we should give a shit. Fuck off Angelina Jolie, I don't need to know your opinions on refugees. If I want to know something about injecting my lips with fat and keeping my own blood in a vial, you'll be first on my list. Otherwise, shut the fuck up. Why the hell do they interview these women? Idiots who got famous for looking cute in a bra suddenly start thinking they got there because of their wit, intellect and perseverance. It should not be allowed to happen. Twits who get somewhere because of their nosejobs should never be allowed to forget it — hey, if you wanna live by the sword... Shut the fuck up, Keira Knightly, take your kit off and keep your dumbass mouth shut. You have nothing to say, you are a braindead piece of eye candy, we don't care about your opinions on anything. When it comes time to pop out your little titties and pout, we'll let you know. Until then.... here's a crayon, bitch. You gotta keep reminding pretty people why they're famous, otherwise they start thinking it's because they matter.

Jeremy Mansfield

Humourless cunt. About as funny as raping crippled nuns. Which is probably why he is so popular. Personally, I would like to see him do one of his "hidden camera" acts and get shot in the head. These idiots don't know they're playing with fire and I can't wait for the first Reality Show fatality. One day, they're gonna try and paint the wrong person's car, make homosexual innuendo towards the wrong psychopath and there will be bloodshed. Gone are the days when you could pull an irritating and childish stunt on a stranger, just to get a full reprieve when you reveal it's a hidden camera show. And I think Mansfield should be the one to pay.

The SIMS

Technically, they're not really people, but I detest them just the same. Before there was just Reality TV — a pathetic attempt to sell our own, boring lives back to us. Now, with the advent of the SIMS, there's Reality Gaming — a pathetic attempt to sell our own, boring lives back to us on a computer. It took me 5 minutes of gametime to realise that not only is it the dreariest game ever devised, but it is also blatant normalist propaganda. Yes, it's the SIMS... buy it for your kids and let them learn how to become good worker drones for fat corporate whores. Wake up at 8am... oops, forgot to set the alarm. Have your breakfast quickly, then kiss your wife (for extra "Relationship Points"). Make it to the car pool on time, go to work. The wife stays home, does the dishes, and looks through the classifieds for a job. Made some extra money? Why not buy a better couch, or TV, or add a new fence to your house? The more shit you accumulate, the better your score! Time to go to sleep... better have a shower first. Tomorrow I think I'll go meet the neighbours. Aaaaaaaarghhh! Am I the only one terrified of this game and its effect on the children? The last thing we need is more people growing up normal... we have a glut of you motherfuckers already.

People who look like fish

Seems as though everyone in the world wants to go around looking like a freak. I cannot switch on the telly without seeing some previously human individual who has spent a small fortune to look exactly like a ventriloquist's dummy. Then again, most celebrities have pretty much the range and ability of a wooden doll with an idiot's arm up their ass. I caught a Meg Ryan movie recently about boxing where, for 23 minutes, I thought she was the one who got pumelled in the fucking ring because of her godawful swollen lips and skew face. Scarlett Johansson looks like she has been smacked in the face with an oar. Victoria Beckham has a violently allergic reaction to her lipstick, apparently, causing her lips to swell up like some kind of freak balloon animal. Jesus Christ, don't these people look at themselves in the morning? Mark my words, the 21st Century will be looked back upon the same way we think about Breakdancing now in terms of self-inflicted cruelty. How fucking desperate to stay young do you have to be before you consider injecting botulism bacteria into your face to paralyse your muscles?

Explorers in general

Ever since humans migrated to Western Asia 10,000 years ago and inhabited the last remote spot on Earth, no-one has discovered fuckall. Yet you still get these (mostly European) twats who show up somewhere remote in the Nineteenth Century and claim to have "discovered it". I watched a documentary on David Livingstone — the Rolux Magnum guy — who discovered and got to name Lake Victoria in 1865. That's weird, I thought, surely the people who've lived there for 500 centuries would've stumbled across something as obvious as a giant lake. Livingstone not only shows up to the party 50,000 years late, but also enlists the help of several of the locals to show him where the fucking thing is. Then he has the audacity to name it. Fucking arrogant cunts, the lot of them. If you wanna impress me, discover something useful, like a cure for Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton

Grrrrrrrrr. Go get a new fucking nose. Throw up some more of your food. Put some more peroxide on your head so it can soak intro what you loosely refer to as a brain. And then fucking die in a tragic manicuring accident. Except it won't be tragic, because you'll be dead.

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