I was struck by something while watching telly the other day: apparently, dirt is terrifying. I've never seen so many products advertised, one after the other, to get rid of dirt and germs. It's as if we've all caught some national obsessive compulsive tic, and we have to make sure that everything is freakin' spotless or we'll die. Spray it, sterilise it, dust it, steam it, wipe it, disinfect it, until there's not even a trace of germ left. Everything has disinfectant in it now... I confidently expect to see disinfectant toilet-paper on the shelves soon. (Hey, marketing guy, don't go and make it now, for the love of god, or I'll hunt you down and paralyse you with a tyre-iron.)

Phew, we say, at lteast it's clean now. It's not dangerous. I am healthy and safe. But you're not. You're living in a mind-over-matter-placebo-PowerO2 state of self-delusion. Not only are those toxin-laced powders, gels and sprays killing you faster than anything you could find in even the dirtiest inner-city hovel, but you're making sure that your children die later from asthma. Whilst usually I find the prospect of kids snuffing it attractive, I will endure their presence this once to support my argument. But don't take my word for it: more and more research is supporting the fact that kids need germs to build their immune systems. Children who grow up in a sterile environment die easily.

Personally, I believe I will live forever, because I expose myself to germs on a daily basis. Who do you think dies first when a new plague shows up? It’s you cleanliness freaks with the immune systems of day-old infants. I’ve got resistance because I’ve been putting my head into shit for years. One could almost call it a hobby. You don't have to be HG Fucking Wells to know that resistance to germs is much more useful than the ability to eliminate them. I say keep smoking. When the world is finally covered with ash and smog from a million billion factories, us smokers will be out jogging. Never mind that, we won't even have to buy cigarettes — the atmosphere itself will be one giant Camel Filter. And it'll be you non-smokers panting by the side of the road, with your first-ever chest pain and case of morning cough. I'm used to surviving on only 17% of my lung capacity and you'll all be fucked. Then I can make myself president of some huge BEE company that gets a government tender to stick a frozen fish up the bottom of any journalist who uses the suffix "-gate" in making a catchy, media-friendly neologism to describe a public or government corruption scandal. Enough with the fucking gate! Leave the gate alone! No more Oilgate or Zumagate or Vaginagate, ever. Think of something else or shut the fuck up.

I hate to break it to all you concerned eco-citizens out there, but your Toyota Prius and biodegradeable sackcloth and ashes pillow covers don't mean fuckall. All of you smarter-than-thou fucks out there whose otherwise empty lives are spent trying to "save the world" should just give it a rest. The earth has been around for 5 Billion years, give or take, and your pathetic attempts to keep it exactly as it is are not only stupid but also pointless. Plus the earth isn’t dying. We’re so fucking self-important to think that we could kill the earth. There have been times when the entire earth was covered in radioactive, molten rock. The earth did not die. There was a time when meteors crashed from the sky for a billion years, decimating life on the planet on a scale we could only hope to achieve, and the earth shrugged it off like a flea. Billions of species have come and gone, billions more will only show up after we're long forgotten. Don't be the idiot who tries to stop evolution: the 6-legged horses are due sometime in the next 100 million years, and we can spend hours arguing over whether they are mammals or insects.

This ridiculous nostalgia for all the "wittle baby aminals" is embarrassing and totally unnatural. Which is why there's nothing better on earth than hearing that some green do-gooder has been mauled by a herd of blesbok, or carried up a tree and sodomised by a leopard. Animals don't care if you're the president of fucking Greenpeace, they'll eat your ass anyway. And, believe me, there are no man-eating tiger focus groups or special interest organisations to monitor how humanely they rip your throat out and gorge themselves on your spleen. Ask the Pamplona bulls if they give a shit every time someone's gored or run the fuck over. Have a meaningful conversation with the next hungry grizzly bear you encounter. "Hello, my name is ....... aaaaaargghhh... IT'S EATING MY FUCKING FACE!!" Animals obviously don't care about me, why should I care about them?

Another thing that really irks me: why is that vegetarian food is always in the shape of a meat product? I mean, if you're gonna go all moralistic, why do you need your Pro-tam™ to look like a steak? Just have it in a big blob, or make it look like a fucking cauliflower. It's the same as someone who is against all forms of toddler mauling eating something shaped like a baby's head. It just doesn't make sense. Sorry.