Is it just me who's getting utterly sick of being lied to every day of my life? Not little cute, fluffy white lies, but scary big black ones that'll eat your face off. But no-one else seems to notice, or care. Lying has become part of our daily life — from politicians who invade other countries to parents who perpetuate things like the Easter Bunny. (On that subject, what the fuck is a rabbit doing handing out eggs to celebrate some fictional religious figure's martyrdom? Why not have the Easter Sloth deliver marzipan? Or the Easter Pterodactyl deliver cable ties? It's so totally fucking arbitrary.)

The list of people, companies and institutions that lie to us on a daily basis is far too long to cover exhaustively, so I've decided to pick a few really, really bad examples that are chronic repeat offenders.

The Government
Bunch of nepotistic fuckwits, wallowing around in public gravy, paralysed by Mercedes payments, not to mention their own hypocrisy and blatant bullshit. Unfortunately for the struggling masses — ie. not me — the current government seems like they hate you even more than the apartheid government did. Even PW Botha was honest ... he said (and forgive me if I don't remember the quote word-for-word) "fuck you, you fucking kaffer. Die in the mud, you're not even fit to come into a city without a note from your white employer. Fuck you, I hope your children starve." But at least people knew where they stood with ol' PW — no lies, no two-faced bullshit, no euphemisms. Our current government pretends to care, because that's where their votes come from. But do they really, honestly give a shit? I doubt it. Their idea of redistribution is for all their friends and relatives to get rich, and every other person in the country to ask me for small change on my way to work because, apparently, my body is comprised almost entirely of R2 coins. You just have to look at the administration's denial/ignorance of the HIV epidemic: first, they promise anti-retrovirals so that they get voting support, then they pull them just as rapidly because they are "toxic". I mean, how toxic does something have to be before it's considered a worse deal than AIDS? Even if you get a full-body rash and your hair falls out, it's greatly preferably to — say — death. Now the government is promoting a diet consisting of olive oil and garlic to combat the deadliest virus ever conceptualised. Which is a bit fucked in the head, but I'm not going to enter the tedious debate surrounding its efficacy. What I do want to know is, however, if olive oil and garlic are more effective than ARVs, why isn't the government investing in giant olive oil farms and garlic reserves? Why aren't they rounding up wild garlics to breed in captivity or shooting olive oil out of the sky with blunderbusses (or however the fuck you're supposed to harvest it)? In fact, no attempt has been made in any way whatsoever to help people source, grow or hunt either of these so-called miracle cures. So the government lies and gives the poor the middle finger again. Well done, guys, that is of course why you were elected, isn't it?

America
The world's new Communists. America is slowly becoming Russia. So good luck with that. Let us know how it turns out for you.

Oil Companies
You too may have noticed the recent trend of large oil companies to promote their "soft side" — saving flowery bunnies, helping indigenous tribes, worrying about wind power — and how "concerned" they are about rapidly dwindling oil supplies. One is almost tempted to say Aaaw, that's so nice. The helpful, friendly folk at Shell care about the environment and conserving fossil fuels. Let's work together with Shell to make the world a better place. But one shouldn't say that. One should say Fuck off you bunch of cunts! An oil company promoting the environment is like a rapist campaigning for women’s rights! If you hadn’t spent the last 100 years getting obscenely, filthy rich — rich enough to buy legislation — we wouldn’t have an environmental problem or a fossil fuel shortage. Suck my huge fat cock, asshole Satan scum. At least you were humble on the way up, eh, fuckers?!

Everyone else
What really irks me is that these large companies practically fight a propaganda campaign against consumers. In most cases, I hate to tell you, the company itself doesn't know or care how they're being marketed, so long as they sell more of whatever bullshit they're pushing. Few of the fantastic new policies ("We'll treat you like our only customer", "We're behind you all the way", "Our sales staff is not entirely composed of post-rehab gibbons") you see beautifully represented in retard-Powerpoint style on the telly are even communicated to the company, let alone implemented on any level. Companies that take R100 from you and tell you how lucky you are they gave 50 cents back to you are very high on my list of teeth gnashing. Vodacom claims to be "the supporter of South African supporters" to a brain-damaged population in a rugby stupor. Yes, they must be. For, truly, only in South Africa can you see a rugby match where both teams, the stadium and the entire competition have the sponsor's brand in their names. But at the same time, it's us who pay for it all when we swallow a 2000% markup on telecoms. We're getting so fucked, our assholes have stretched to such epic proportions that it's not even painful any more. Vodacom made an R8billion profit last year. How does your ring feel? Don't be surprised if you wake up one morning to find we're now called Vodacom South Africa because these horrible shit-eaters want to get their name everywhere, as if we have a fucking choice. Why the fuck does Telkom advertise? They use money to convince us to use the only telecoms company in the country? WHY?! Rather give me R200 off my next phone bill, assholes, and stop with the Touch Tomorrow. Let me touch your fucking balls with my rapidly accelerated foot instead.

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Witty entree. Interesting metaphor. Humorous celebrity reference. Gratuitous swearing. Childish name-calling. Quotable home truth. Offensive outburst. Everything is a "technology" all of a sudden. What the fuck is "deodorant technology" or "wound care technology"? Stop with that fucking shit before I have to inject more guide dogs with rabies.

Prohibitionists of all sorts
There are too many people in the world, yet prohibitionists want to curtail as many harmful and dangerous things as they can, and as quickly as possible. Think, retard! If you remove all the danger, Darwinian selection cannot take place, and I have to sit next to people who leave their cellphones on during movies. I saw a perfect example of why society is fucked in the head on a talk show recently. Two brain-damaged doctors (one of whom is a "Christian Doctor", whatever the fuck that is) were being used by government and big business as ventriloquists' dummies to spout anti-drug propaganda. At one point, the "Christian Doctor" was listing all the reasons why kids should not smoke dope — delusions, paranoia, hallucinations and sense of unreality. Had I been sober enough to find a phone under the comatose strippers I'd mercilessly banged not minutes before, I would've pointed out that this is why things are so fucked. I would've called up and said Dude, you believe there’s an omnipotent, invisible man who lives in the sky who watches you all your life and will send you to the flames that exist under the ground if you’re bad when you die. Don’t talk to me about delusions, paranoia, hallucinations and a sense of unreality. Fuck off and goodbye.