It's been somewhat amusing recently to see how the so-called war between Israel and Palestine Hizbollah Lebanon has polarised people. Everyone's scrambling to pick a side. And once you've picked your side you apparently have to defend it to death, past the point of any rationality. All I've heard are pasty whinges about suicide bombers and unfair guerilla tactics matched by equally gutless moaning about occupations and human rights abuses. All over the world, people are murdering each other in the name of freedom and justice like never before, a slow, lukewarm war that is as grotesque as it is fascinating. Everywhere you look, people are strapping on detonators and doing the C4 Shuffle all over the Micatex walls. It's gotten so bad that I bought a box of incense named 'Evening in Kashmir' and separatists bombed my house.

It was an obvious mistake to make at the end of World War 2 — give the Jewish people a homeland where they originally were from. Everyone felt sorry that they'd been singed by Krauts, and who wouldn't? But the geography was all wrong. Instead of forming a new Jewish state out of the bits of Bophuthatswana that weren't Sun City, they decided to put them back exactly where they came from. For the Arabs, it must've been like your noisy, self-righteous fuckwit neighbours moving back in after 3 away years in Iceland. Especially if your neighbours then started settling in your empty swimming pool and declaring your driveway part of their property.

Of course, it's easy to be glib about it when it's not your arms being whacked off without the benefit of anaesthetic. As amusing as it is to me to see the special Rabbi Police squeegee up and separate bits of West Bank settler into piles depending on which invisible man in the sky that particular testicle or eyeball believed in when alive, it all gets a bit much when they interrupt a perfectly good wank to CNN weatherslag Jenny Harrison to show you closeups of the remains of a Lebanese baby... you just don't feel right cumming on her face under the circumstances. Plus war is all so passé: if I were Palestinian or Hizbollah, I would at least have made deadly missiles with both milk and meat inside the warhead. And if I were Israeli, I would by now have dropped a couple thousand copies of 'The Satanic Verses' by Salman Rushdi on those ragheads. So I'm here to tell you that I've got a much more satisfying solution to the argument. It's a simple Roadmap for Peace, and it can be summed up in 4 basic bullet points:

• No-one is right.
• Everyone is an asshole.
• Arm every man, woman and child over the age of 4.
• Close the borders and turn it into a Reality gameshow.

People who want to continually be at war with one another should just be let to. And we should be allowed to tune in every Tuesday at 7:30pm to watch them do it. The Middle East Crisis could get big brand sponsorship... This retaliatory bombing of innocent civilians was brought to you by Pick n' Pay. Next week on Survivor: Middle East — Hizbollah snaps at the Israeli Defence Force for being lazy around camp ... Ariel Sharon continues to play possum in hospital ... and will the Ehud Olmert alliance hold, or will he be voted off the island? Yes, making them all fight it out for our viewing pleasure would be the best solution. But keep it to yourselves, wankers. I don't want to be some collateral damage dispersed all over the walls of my local Hustler shop just because some dishtowel-wearing motherfucker decides he has an issue with Jewish split beaver.

The problem is that, even though they'd never admit it, the Arabs and Jews are so similar: fanatical, outdated religious beliefs, no separation of church and state, and brains that have been slowly cooked over thousands of years in 50-degree desert heat. It's the same reason South Africans hate the Australians, the French hate the English and Paris Hilton hates Down's Syndrome kids on Red Bull. So the answer is simple: a radical rearranging of country borders to move people who are too similar away from one another. The new Jewish state will be Taiwan — it would be fun to watch 'em try to occupy parts of mainland China. Of course, a new Palestinian state would have to be Alaska — cool those motherfuckers down a little and they can blow up as much snow as they like.