Why, if you were a foward-thinking investigative journalism program during the death throes of apartheid, would you include the word 'White' in your title? There's no fucking news show in Germany called Nazi Agenda. Besides being highly unfortunate, the name is actually almost accurate. But it's not Carte Blanche, it's Crainte Blanche. For those of you who were too busy wanking under you blazers in Mrs Koren's standard six French class (I know who you are and I'm willing to testify), crainte means fear. And never has a program been so aptly named... by me. Every week, without fail, Carte Blanche unearths the ridiculous and petty fears of the dwindling bunch of people who still consider themselves white in Africa. Want to know what boogeyman or Swart Gevaar or cause celebre caucasian South Africa has chosen to dwell on that week? Watch those two brain damaged, inbred representatives of a failed biological experiment involving a human being and a Home Affairs worker poke it with a stick for an hour. Ruda Fucking Landman must be the only person in the world who is bilingually illiterate - not able to read a single fucking word off a teleprompter in two languages. And this after four thousand years of doing the same dreay cow fucking bullshit. Why the fuck is Ruda Landman still alive? Someone should've darted her and dragged her off to irritating cunt rehab years ago. I saw recently that it is MNET's 20th birthday. Hooray, 20 years of lilly-white entertainment presided over by a bunch of irritating morons.

I'm only saying this because I was forced to watch Carte Blanche recently after taking so much ketamine that I couldn't remember how to get up off the floor (even though I felt a burning desire to gallop free across the plains). Apparently the scourge of pale people these days is — get this, I'm not making this up — kids who are playing 'The Choking Game'. Apparently, little spoiled shits throughout the Northern suburbs are playing a game where you get someone to choke you until you pass out. Your body then no doubt reacts by producing adrenalin or endorphins (or some other drug that makes you feel more alive) and you get high for ten seconds. This tells me two things: A. rich white kids don't have enough natural enemies and B. you need to legalise some decent drugs right now. But, seriously, with the number of unwanted children in the world, do we really still need the ones who are fucking stupid enough to allow someone to choke them until they pass out? Good, let them die. I would suggest that the little homicidal wannabes should be allowed to carry through with their muderous thoughts and kill off their peers. Which means you get two of the shits removed for the price of one: the first is now asphyxiated, the second electrocuted in the Chair.

But on to point B. The reason why kids are strangling each other to death is because they are bored. Bored of living in an hermetically sealed environment where nothing ever happens to them. Bored of staring at the inside of their own fence-enclosed garden. Bored of the same old fears, handed down from one pale native to the next. If it's not "The Crime", it's "The Kaffers" or "The Environment" or whatever ridiculous thing we can think up to be scared of next. Having spent so many years being hoodwinked by the apartheid government into believing that the alternative to PW Botha was Black Anarchy, people are so used to being fearful that they now have to make up shit to be scared of.

I was on the receiving end of one of those Panic Emails recycled each decade containing dubious, easily-disproved facts and get cc'd to every other person you know who's scared of their own shadow (because it's black). This email had a badly photostatted report from a newspaper claiming that gang members are now driving along with their lights off, waiting for some good Samaritan to flash them, and then pursue and kill them. (In one way, though, the gangs are pretty much on the money right there, good Samaritans should be hunted down and shot.) So far, so good. Pity the newspaper was from America, the report came from officers working for DARE, and the gang members were from Los Angeles. But, nonetheless, in their neverending quest to horrify themselves with made-up stories about black people, the recipients of this email were frantically sending it to one another as just another reason why this country is so up to shit. You could fake a newspaper report saying that the latest thing is to steal dogs, deep fry them and serve them in taxis as padkos and white people would email it to each other with the subject PLEASE READ... YOUR DOG IS NOT SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you been to Cape Town recently? The whole damn thing is being made into Tuscan-styled enclaves of paranoia, where Caucasians can take part in the only activity that apparently alleviates this horrific state of self-induced panic — golf. Hectares of land that would usually go towards the production of alcohol are now just for twats in overpriced pants to wander up and down, looking for their long-lost balls. Every corner of the formerly fair Cape now boasts rows upon rows of white townships, where you can put your head in the sand in your identical faux Italian cellblocks and believe — just for a drunken moment — that it’s really still 1986. The entire premise of these pasty prisons is entirely flawed, and I‘ll give you the scoop. You are fundamentally less safe in your fucking Tuscan detention centre than you are in your own house. Suppose there‘s someone walking through your garden. As a homeowner, you know it‘s time to cock the Glock. As an idiot in a Caucasian coffin, you have no idea if they’re even meant to be there. Forty-seven other people you don’t even know can open your front gate and let in whomever the fuck they want. So just give it up already.

Somehow the term ‘over-population’ doesn’t seem to have a meaning to these multiplying pale cockroaches. Somehow to these brain-damaged crackers, only black people can put too much strain on the resources. Only Arabs can have too many children. And only poor people can fuck up the neighbourhood by relocating in their millions to a place that can’t support them. No-one ever takes a step back and says I am the entire goddamn problem, maybe I should just leave It the fuck alone. Apparently, the fact that they have to buy giant two-metre tall off-road tractors to cart their eight children around in doesn‘t even make them feel vaguely responsible for TMFPS (Too Many Fucking People Syndrome).

So, please, if you‘re thinking of doing the dash to Escape Town, do everyone who already lives there a favour and rather hobble yourself by cutting through your Achilles tendon with a breadknife.