Christmas is the worst time of the year for a confirmed misanthrope, especially when you know you're going to receive fourteen thousand of the same desk calendar or tie pin or electronic pepper grinder that's going for R59.99 at Stuttafords. But my anger is not directed at the shops themselves, but at the brain-damaged scuttlefish who perpetuate this ridiculous notion of buying shit for people you don't like. Or even people you do like. So, just in time for another wasted New Year, is my list of people who should be stuffed into a chimney until they asphyxiate.

Americans
Now I know it's all de rigeur to insult and find fault with these fuckwits for their disasterous foreign policy that actively engenders hatred towards all Americans, but this is a totally new one that you can add to your anti-Yank diatribes for use at liberal cocktail parties. It's easy to take a swing at Georgie Bush, because everyone knows he's so wrong. (Just like the 80s in South Africa where White people started feeling safe enough again to criticise the government. You knew there was little PW Botha would do to his own people at that stage; it was a ridiculous pantomime of running in with a dinner fork and poking it into the side of an already old and half-dead Groot Krokkodil, as if to say "and those Soweto riots are from me too!") This one is about The American Kids, apparently the most important gender bracket in the entire country, who are being diagnosed as having Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, also called ADD or ADHD or, according to the idiots who make this all up, ADHD (A.D.D., ADD/ADHD, ADD-ADHD, A.D.D.), which sounds like the descriptors on old CDs. Dubious symptoms include "fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities" and "avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework)".

Besides sounding like everyone I fucking know, this diagnosis is made using "the diagnostic criteria set forth by the American Psychiatric Association (1994) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" (from add-adhd.org) which sounds like a really riveting piece of literature. My bet is that these tests involve the usual fare — puzzles, word games, shape associations — all devised by people so boring they contributed to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 1994 while everyone else in the world was contributing to house music and the second Summer of Love. Does that not tell you how mind-bogglingly boring these people must be? I bet you couldn't pay a kid $100 to concentrate through all that shit. But this is the same kid who can play 27 hours of Playstation in one sitting and has the reactions of a fighter pilot. The kid does not have AAD/ADD/DDD. He is bored shitless with your classroom-sitting, rote-learning ass. Never mind that his mom gave him three types of frosted cereal and a gallon of Coca-Cola for breakfast. The kid is so high he's hallucinating Snap, Crackle and Pop sodomising each other with strap-on dildos in his textbook. You want to get a kid to pay attention? Show him some tits! ... let some cute nurse pop out her boobies and time how long it takes him to look away. The ones who do, either genuinely have ADD or are fags, and who gives a shit about telling those people apart?

People who make PG horror movies
I'm so sick of horror movies aimed at 12-year olds. I think it was that wretched excuse for a piece of cinema, The Sixth Sense, that started it all with its coy, sanitised view of the horrific. Now all I see is apparently terrifying preteen goth girls in wet nighties and menacingly undulating hair. I don't know about you, dear readers, but this just does not frighten me. To me, a thin, pale, shivering teen in panties means you have to start looking around for R Kelly, not dive under the couch and scream. I have similar hatred for that fucking bug-eyed little shit they had in the The Grudge. What exactly do these pubescent tykes do to you to scare you to death? Threaten to play Justin Timberlake? Hold their breath until you agree to die of shock? I say give her a good kick in the cunt and make her crawl back to her fucking stupid well. Biaaatch.

Telemarketers
Oh the joy of it! Your cellphone Caller ID says BLOCKED NUMBER. You know it's a telemarketer, but your brain starts to second-guess you. What if it's the Lotto? Maybe it's President of the Republic of South Africa, Mr Thabo Mbeki? Or even that fat kid called Dennis from Head of the Class who wants to discuss a comeback? But it's not any of these things, and you pick it up anyway. In the Telemarketers Guidebook, it says that the first sentence you should say as a telemarketer is "Hello Sir, how are you?" Most people would respond with "I'm fine. How are you?" but this is the trap the cunt telemarketer has set for you. Saying these words is apparently as good as a signed contract — similar to the one parking attendants use where even looking in their direction is construed as a sealed pact that you will, no matter what, give them the sum of R2 in cash upon your return — that they can now launch into whatever pathetic, risible sales pitch they have written down because none of them speaks English as even a third language. So instead of going into the "I'm fine", just repeat these simple words:

Fuck the fuck off, you pathetic leech, shamelessly cajoling more fucking money out of people who aren't even your fucking clients. I hope your cocksucking whore of a mouth is now filled with the watery, bitter semen of ABSA or Nedbank or Telkom or wherever the fuck you claim to be representing. Go get a real fucking job, stop being the gay bitch of some huge money-sucking multinational fuckstore ... oh, hello President Mbeki.

Proponents of White Supremacy
Oh god, how sad is this? Why is it that proponents of anything are usually the proof to the contrary? I cringe every time some redneck, in-bred, brain-damaged twat proclaims our Caucasian race superior to everyone else. Why is it that the most in-bred are always most concerned about keeping the race "pure"? Dude, your parents are siblings ... you're having sex with your aunt ... what the fucking fuck? Similarly, despite many attempts, no-one who uses marijuana can ever construct a decent public argument in favour of its legalisation. All you have to do is not show up stoned and we'll believe you. But until any of you hemp-toking, retarded motherfuckers can actually string two sentences together in a Congressional Hearing, forget it. You are the reason dope is banned, fuck off.