I cannot wait for the aliens to land. Because it might mean that religion finally gets shelved along with fossil fuels and re-runs of Knight Rider as some of human beings' worst ideas ever. No, I'm not talking about the numerous religious wars perpetrated by various sects throughout the world, although they were fun. I'm not talking about holding some vague afterlife as a carrot over the heads of your followers to keep them in line, although that was a good idea. I'm not even talking about the frankly bizarre and perhaps even somewhat insane game of 'my omnipotent imaginary friend will beat up your omnipotent imaginary friend', although it would make a good Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm talking about religion's terrible attitude towards boobies. Most major religions, in an attempt to control the pussy, made the pussy evil.

When exactly did the female breast become the Devil? Apparently these two orbs of flesh and fat are so disgustingly evil that they cannot even be shown to people younger than 16. Despite the fact that most of us sucked on one or more of them for months after we were born, we are not legally allowed to see them again until more than a decade later. And for this, I blame religion. Religion is responsible for this ass-backward attitude towards female sexuality, and a society that firmly believes that shooting someone in the head is noble but having sex is disgusting and immoral. Where violence and mayhem are the bedrock of good family viewing, but boobies are for late night "adult" enjoyment. Does it not strike anyone else as fucking braindead that children are given plastic guns on their first birthday, but that you have to slink down in absolute shame to the local Hustler shop for pornography? But before you get the idea that I'm against violence, I'm just suggesting that we should get as blasé about sweaty fucking as we are about shooting people in the head. (It's weird how bits of the breast are slowly becoming more acceptable. The swollen fatty bit, if we are to believe cosmetics advertising, is now perfectly safe ... it's the nipple that's evil. Like some kind of Korean dictator, the nipple is meant to sow its own heinous mixture of civil suppression and cultural re-education to the rest of the tit, who is just an innocent bystander to the nipple's Machiavellian plot for world domination. Retarded.)

We're all here, every single one believe it or not, because someone fucked someone else. Someone stuck their half-limp, crusty penis into someone else's frothy, slick vagina. And it's not like the Weapons of Mass Destruction to continue to elude us, we know who they were: they were your parents. If that doesn't make it the most natural thing we all have in common, I don't know what is. I mean, I can see Saddam Hussein being executed on worldwide news TV, but Janet Jackson gets hassled about popping out one floppy titty at the Superbowl?

Let's just sidetrack one moment to this Saddam Hussein issue, just as an example of how brain-damaged people have become and how common sense has just been lost in a whirlwind of bullshit and fake hysteria. Explain to me the logic behind this: you find it perfectly OK for someone to be executed, but you're incensed that someone had the audacity to film it on their cellphone? No-one made a peep about the actual murder of a human being, it was the fact that they had to acknowledge the murder that made them all angry. Don't get me wrong, personally I enjoyed the fact that a murderous dictator was hanged and I was happy that I got to see it, but surely as a pussy liberal your problem should be with the taking of human life, not the committing it to film and the showing it fifteen thousand times on CNN. For a bunch of people who love ignoring the so-called "sanctity of life", you guys really got prissy and faux outraged over this issue. But, apparently, it was the tone of the people who perpetuated the hanging that was wrong. They teased Saddam Hussein, the bastards. They heckled the mass murderer and hurt his feelings just before they broke his neck, which is unforgiveable. You remember how the Bible and Qur'an talk about Thou shalt not jeer thy neighbour during his hanging.

But religion's Holy Texts have always just been a matter of convenience and interpreted in such a way (by those who claim to be allowed to do this) as to benefit themselves. The Catholic Church is simply the oldest political party in the world and should be viewed with as much mistrust. Similarly, how does a religion get so out of whack that its followers are blowing themselves up for the promise of seventy-two virgins in the Afterlife? It's not the suicide bombings that I have a problem with, but ... have you ever had sex with a virgin? These religious zealots obviously never have. Imagine an Eternity dealing with seventy-two overly emotional, frigid teens crying in your bed ... cajoling inexperienced little girls into believing they're special and that you will be with them forever every time you want to shag. Never mind one needy little bitch who still wears a matching paisley pyjama set and whimpers like an abused puppy when you anally penetrate her without warning, but almost one hundred of the skanks? I can't see myself wanting to strap explosives to myself and wander into the American Embassy in Chad for that. Now seventy-two Victoria's Secret models I would perhaps consider, but only if one of those retards knows how to make a decent martini.