Web 2.0
Someone once came up with a cute way to contextualise "inifinity", which was that an infinite number of monkeys given an infinite number of typewriters would eventually come up with the complete works of William Shakespeare. Without a doubt, Web 2.0 has proved this not to be the case. For those of you who don't follow meaningless marketing jargon, "Web 2.0" is simply an internet where the content is provided by everyday people like you and me. OK, maybe not me, because I'm outrageously insightful, but definitely you. You are responsible for the complete drivel that runs through the web's veins, clogging up any useful information with white noise and chicken soup recipes. You're the reason I can't go anywhere in cyberspace without some complete stranger wanting to be my friend or get me to sign onto Facebook. Let's just deal with these so-called "social networking" sites once and for all: the only people who find these time-consuming, boredom-inducing wastes of energy fascinating are people who have to pretend to be working. I don't have a boss, I don't need to pretend to be working by staring at Facebook all day. When my work is done I get up and go eat the (practically) laminated pussies of wildly expensive prostitutes while they're forced to watch Tarkovsky movies off of old VHS tapes. And I didn't meet them on fucking Facebook.

The South African government
What the fuck? What the fucking fuck? I must admit that it was with a certain amount of glee that I watched ex-communists line up for VISA applications and Bentley Continental GTs, but they've caught the worst kind of wealth addiction from their white peers. Which just made me realise that the ANC never really disapproved of an over-empowered government that shacked up with big business to squeeze every last cent out of poor people, while those with government ties got exceedingly rich through graft and bribery. They were just pissed off it wasn't them. The only thing worse than a rich bastard is a rich bastard who genuinely believes they deserve it all. But I digress, the issue I really want to deal with, vis-a-vis our government, is Zimbabwe. All I can say is that Robert Mugabe must be blowing Thabo Mbeki under the negotiating table at this point. In fact, I can just see it now: Mugabe on his knees, shirt off, floppy mantits jiggling with pleasure, as he gives Thabo a mindblowing hummer. Meanwhile, he is using the hand that isn't jerking slickly up and down the president's European-issue white penis to fist Nkosazana Dlamini Zuma's cavernous vagina into ecstasy. In the corner, a drugged and beaten Morgan Tsvangirai is being sexually abused by three massively endowed Zanu-PF transsexuals while Joyce Mujuru squats and pees on a picture of Ian Smith. It's the only rational explanation I can think of, that Bob is just too good at sucking cock for our leaders to get rid of him. Mind you, it does show a tremendous amount of flexibility on that anti-gay stance he usually preaches.

Global Warming
Oh shit, we broke it seems to be the boring refrain from every newspaper and TV screen nowadays. You can't turn your head without spotting more footage of those poor glaciers breaking off into the ocean, or people drowning in England, or gigantic wildfires in California. It's all very huge and dramatic, which no doubt pleases the eco-huggers — they'd found it difficult to compete with Michael Bay when it came to drawing the attention of a brain-damaged public away from Bad Boys 2. Nature conservation, until recently, did not make very awe-inspiring visual material, now they've got the thunderous crack of splitting ice, followed by a giant crash as bits of the shelf fall into the freezing ocean. It's pure gold for the environmental movement. But for those of us who are too bored to bother wanting to "save the earth" (see Save the World ... Not) there are several positives to come out of this pesky rising ocean/climate change thingamibob. If all ice in the world melts, the sea will rise by more or less 75 metres, which means that people who live near, or on, the ocean are fucked. But who is it that has spent the last hundred years turning every pristine beachfront into an overdeveloped hellhole? Yes, that's right: rich cunts. So maybe this isn't such a bad idea. Imagine waking up tomorrow in a world without Cape Town, New York, Cote d'Azur, Portofino, Rio de Janeiro or Mallorca. Imagine all of those rich cunts drowned or homeless, pulling their Faberge eggs and designer clothes behind them in a trolley. The flipside of this, of course, is that any place currently 76 metres above sea level will be beautifully pristine beachfront property — hello the fabulously opulent tourist resorts of Hekou in China, Ross in Tasmania, Cassoria in Napoli and Belmopan in Belize.

The Whores ... oops, Girls of the Playboy Mansion
Oh Christ almighty, this is worse than Paris Hilton eating out Madonna at the MTV Video Music Awards while the Black Eyed Peas namedrop their new champagne endorsement into an 18-minute reprise of My Hump . I'm not one to use the term whore lightly — god knows the sterling work done by startled Eastern-European girls who've had their passports confiscated by the owner of Teazers should not be underestimated. But these three slags are the worst kind of gold diggers imaginable — dating and, presumably, having sex with a man who is as old as the three of them are collectively (this is true, it's in Wikipedia so it must be fucking true). I can only imagine what mental hoops they have to jump through to justify letting this wrinkled octogenerian put his warty thing in them. Oh he's so sweet ... I love Hef ... oh my that chafes ... wow, I have three thousand pairs of shoes ... has he cum or is that just drool on my ass? ... wow, my ass looks so good ... I have three thousand pairs of shoes. Ack. Similarly, Hugh Hefner is what happens to a man who never takes control of his penis, always chasing the young cutie. What the fuck does he have to say to these girls? What could an 81-year old man possibly have in common with a 22-year old beach bimbo? Does he put tape over their mouths when the cameras aren't rolling? If it were me, I would've killed at least two of them within a week. Useless bitches.

Americans (still!)
Oh how the tears flowed on the anniversary of September 11th! Oh the gnashing of teeth and the rending of the air! I think they really need to get some perspective on this tired and limp icon of American unity. 4000 people died, and that's not even a decent battle during WW2, not even close to the 200,000 that were killed under much more horrific circumstances in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. And I'm so sick of people justifying mass-murder by saying that "we did it to save so many more lives". In that case, to save countless American and Iraqi lives that would otherwise be lost in a protracted ground-war, we should just nuke Washington. But what else can you expect from people who invade a country and then call Iraqis who are resisting the occupation "insurgents". You are the insurgent, motherfucker, pack up and go home.

Metro Police
It occurred to me as I was forking out another huge sum of money for a traffic offense involving eight grammes of cocaine and a lifesize blowup of Annelien Kriel that this whole fine thing is a total and absolute farce. In fact, worse than that, it's just institutionalised bribery. As you all well know, if you pay the fine, it's just swept under the carpet. If you don't, the Sheriff comes round to your own house to serve a summons. But the message that Metro (and pretty much all other traffic officials) is sending is simple: if you pay the fine, this crime is light enough just to be ignored. If you don't pay the fine, this crime is serious enough to get arrested. Surely the seriousness of a crime cannot depend on whether you paid money or not? Not according to Metro, who have set up a website where you can pay your traffic fines with your credit card. No license, no ID number, no details about you at all, just the money. Which just goes to show that they're not at all interested in road safety, just the money that can be made from traffic offenses. Fuckers.