Funny thing about standards is that you have to apply them the same all the time. Am I the only one who snorts with barely-concealed derision when a drooling 'tard in a wheelchair glibly proclaims "I just did this to show the world that people with Down's Syndrome/Epilepsy/Paraplegia are just like everyone else"? And predictably guilt-ridden twats nod sagely and agree, "yes, you are just like everyone else." So how come there's always someone badgering for legislation promoting wheelchair ramps, a maximum amount of flashing images per second on TV and universal adult remedial teaching? Surely if the disabled are just like everyone else, they can make a fucking plan? I'm not picketing my local ward councillor to have free 24-hour alcohol distribution centres on every corner, I make my own fucking plan to rob an old blind lady to pay for it. Surely paraplegics can organise a strong friend to carry them onto the goddamn airplane if they're just like everyone else? We're all left to scuttle along in our own shit, why can't they?

That's because the disabled change their fucking minds at a drop of hat about whether we should treat them exactly like everyone else (that is, to be clear, ridiculing them, pushing them into muddy puddles, and stepping on their heads to get a promotion) or like a small endangered animal (wheelchair ramps, closed captioning and guide dogs in movie theatres), leaving the rest of us to tap-dance around their mutable sensibilities. The "differently abled" or "special" in our society have us all by the balls, going from I don't need your fucking help! to Why didn't you open that door for me? in a split-second. I say choose one or the other and leave it alone! It's unfair to constantly leverage sympathy or embarrassment to make yourself feel self-righteous, even if you have no legs. I have no sympathy gland, you don't see me trying to get a telethon.

But we better burn the 'tards before they invent proper bionics. Oscar Pistorius has proved that at some point the so-called Paralympics (it is short for Parallel Olympics by the way, which is why I think we should just rename it the Tardlympics) will soon be much more thrilling than the "real" thing. Imagine someone jumping 6 metres from standstill, or someone running the hundred metres in 4 seconds. Able-bodied athletes would be stuck with the brake pad sponsorships and patronising 2-minute inserts on the evening news when one of them manages to crack 9.5 seconds. How would you feel about competing in the biathlon against a person with telescopic vision and two pneumatic legs?

But whether you feel bad for the retarded and the infirm or not, there is a fundamental reality that we have to face. The natural system never meant for the weak to survive and procreate, that's the beauty of 'survival of the fittest' — it ensures the healthiest, smartest, strongest specimens of the species are the ones who contribute most to the gene pool. That’s called evolution and it’s what got us into the position we are today. But now we’re taking this “multiply and conquer” ideology too far — the world’s population will reach almost 10 billion this century, and to provide a First World standard of living for everyone will require the natural resources of four more Earths. So, to put it in simple terms you can understand: every child you have lowers that child’s prospective standard of living.

But we know where all this stems from: the so-called “sanctity of life” which totally makes sense when you’re a nomadic desert tribe of 23, but not so much sense when you’re a giant, devouring plague of billions. To obsessively care for and protect every single human was OK when the fate of your cave clan depended on it, but take it from me: we’re fine in that regard as a species. You can let go of that now. Our extinction will never be caused by too few people, much more likely to be too many people. But what do we do about it? Here are some helpful hints:

NO MORE TELETHONS
The first thing to do is stop ganging together and spending obscene amounts of money to save some two-headed baby with hepatitis in Arkansas. Not only will that baby never, ever contribute in any meaningful way to society (sucks to you, I’m already an adult, plus I keep Eastern European prostitutes in femidoms and morning-after pills which is public service in itself), but it adds one more body to an already massively overpopulated Earth, one more body we can ill afford, especially if it just sits in a wheelchair and drools. What I’m trying to get across here is that we cannot afford to be nice to cripples any more when the fate of the human race depends on it. There are four times as many people in the world as there are cows, and we still all eat McDonald’s burgers.

EXPAND THE DEATH PENALTY TO INCLUDE MISDEMEANOURS
My first act as Benevolent Dictator will be to attach the death penalty to every violent crime, or perhaps to every crime barring solicitation and drunk driving. Liberals often moan that the death penalty turns the state into a murderer (not that they require the death penalty to do that, war often suffices) and that it doesn’t act as enough of a deterrent. But I say you’re totally missing the point. The death penalty is not meant to act as a deterrent, it’s meant to make sure that the psychopath doesn’t do it again. How often have you seen the exact same crime committed by someone who has just been paroled? It’s exactly the same as coming out of rehab and having to face drugs again. I say kill ‘em all, then there's absolutely zero chance of a repeat offence. Zero. You could spend trillions on lawyers, rehabilitation and outreach programmes and not achieve that. But you'll be happy to know that it doesn’t have to be something as banal as the electric chair. Once someone is sentenced to death, it can be done in a number of entertaining and socially uplifting ways. We could use them in horror movies, instead of spending vast sums of money on prosthetics. Need someone to be decapitated by a flying piece of sheet metal? Get a murderer. Want someone’s dick stuck into a vat of liquid nitrogen in closeup? Find a rapist. Scripts for upcoming productions could be stocked in the prison library, so that they know exactly what will happen to ‘em. If you’re gonna kill people, at least have some fun doing it.

STERILISATION AT BIRTH
This is an obvious one. The moment a child is born, it must be reversibly sterilized. When an adult couple then decides to one day have a child, they apply for a child license which has certain requirements, including financial ability, child-rearing skills and stable household. If successful, they are granted a Child License and unsterilized. You need a license to drive a car, you need a license to watch a fucking TV, it’s crazy that people can squeeze out babies at the rate of one a year with absolutely no regulation. Of course, now you predictably say “But… but… but… then only rich people would be able to have children, Dr DBM!” And I reply “Good.” The only thing a poor person raises is another poor person to stand by the traffic lights with a pathetic cardboard sign and a face like he’s the first and only person to ever ask me for money at a traffic light and what a bastard I am for not doing it. It’s totally meaningless to give money to beggars, glue kids or those fake limp fuckers, that person isn’t saving to go to college or into dwarf porn or martini school, they will never make any kind of contribution to society, they’re only trying to get enough money to be there again tomorrow. Time for the culling, motherfuckers.

CONSIDER SUICIDE
If you’ve ever had the feeling you’d want to give back to people, this one is for you. Perhaps you thought this would be in the mould of “doctor cures cancer” or “engineer invents anti-gravity” or “funny guy brings joy to millions” but most likely you haven’t come even close to a medical school, you think a protractor is something that makes speeches longer and you wouldn’t know humour from a kick in the ass. May I suggest voluntary self-euthanasia? It’s really simple, no doubt even you could manage it, and it can easily be done using ordinary household items. To be honest, it’s probably the best chance you have of doing something beneficial for your fellow man.