How did we allow this to happen? How did we allow a bunch of self-absorbed drug addicts and their 16-year old emaciated mini-me's to decide what's cool to wear? I've watched these so-called fashion shows — mostly to catch a glimpse of otherwise illegal teen boobage — and they make me want to stab someone in the face. Maybe Gianni Versace. Oh wait, someone already did. The only thing fashion proves over and over again is that if you're hot, you can dress in half a sackcloth, wear a ridiculous papier-mâché head ornament and rub dog diarrhea on your exposed breasts and people will still wanna fuck you. It's got absolutely nothing to do with the so-called clothes whatsoever. In any other context, a half-naked, starving girl with a weird hat and feces on her titties would be put in a mental institution. In the fashion world they're given a L'Oreal contract. The fashion world is a classic case of false cause and effect. In layman's terms, complete bullshit. The peddler of the overpriced push-up bra made in a 3rd World sweatshop wants you to think that it's the underwear that makes Heidi Klum hot. But it's not. Heidi Klum makes Heidi Klum hot, the less she wears the more we like it. Which is why we've gotten to the point of sending hordes of dazed pubescents onto the runway stark naked in something which is apparently still a fashion show. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against that in principle, but you gotta admit it does render the whole fashion scene pretty redundant.
To be frank, I've got no problem that young women want to starve themselves to size zero. I get a kick out of every time some retarded bitch faints on the runway because the cocaine content in her body exceeds the fat content. We're supposed to feel sympathetic that some overpaid clothes horse pukes up her caviar and cries before every show? Not likely. That's how natural selection works: people stupid enough to go on hunger strike to deal with self-esteem issues and get the approval of others die early, leaving more space (albeit slight) for the rest of us. It's laughable how the public is shocked that a 6-foot, 40 kilogram skeleton is doing coke to suppress her appetite and has bulimia. How the fuck else do you think they do it? Healthy eating and exercise? You might as well be surprised that a man who can run the hundred meters in 9.5 seconds is doing massive amounts of steroids. Is this not obvious to everyone else? The problem, really, is that we pander to these people and let them get away with their charade.
I must admit that I forced myself to watch the Fashion Channel to research this piece (ok, so I got drunk and hurled random abuse at the TV and the things that stuck became this column) and boy, does it suck donkey dick these days. In the good old days Fashion TV went like this: swimwear / lingerie / lingerie / swimwear / lingerie&swimwear / NAKED TEENAGERS / lingerie as swimwear / hot shorts / MORE BOOBIES / fainting model / REPEAT. These days — and I admit I could only watch for a couple of days — it's criminally tedious hair and makeup sessions, old rich men on yachts trying to fuck depressed-looking Ukrainian rent girls, outrageously daft clothes made out of coat hangers and, worst of all, interviews with models. Fashion TV has an entire mind-numbingly redundant spot called MODELS TALK where you can watch a moronic 14-year old Brazilian girl giggle her way through a question and answer session in her best broken English. Those who can't even manage a couple of halting phrases have I LOVE FASHION TV written on the back of their hand just in case a mic has the misfortune of coming near them. I must admit I was zoning out during the interview process, but I'm pretty sure it went something like this:
INTERVIEWER: Hi, we're backstage at the [insert impressive designer here] show with [insert model's name* here]
MODEL: I love Fashion TV!
INTERVIEWER: Yes, good. And how are you feeling about the show?
MODEL: Well, I'm a bit nervous because I have to walk down this big runway wearing a wire duck with my tits out.
INTERVIEWER: And what else will you be doing?
MODEL: I have to stand a bit at the bottom, then turn around and walk back. I've been practicing how to walk for 3 years now.
INTERVIEWER: How to walk?
MODEL: Yes, most people think it's just putting one leg in front of the other, but there's much more to it than that. You couldn't, for example, try to put two left feet one after the other. You have to always remember that it's alternate legs and that takes years of practice.
INTERVIEWER: That’s amazing. Will you walking more than once?
MODEL: Yes, I have to do that four times, but each time in the wire representation of a different woodland animal.
INTERVIEWER: Do you do much walking when you're at home?
MODEL: No, not really. I used to walk places, like to the bathroom after a meal, but when you do it for a job you just don't feel like doing it in your spare time.
INTERVIEWER: Fascinating. And how much are you being paid?
MODEL: One million dollars.
INTERVIEWER: Oh fuck off. You've got vomit on your chin and no tits.
MODEL: I love Fashion TV!
INTERVIEWER: And don't talk to the camera.
* Apparently, they have names and are not only known by their species and breed.
Contrary to popular opinion, however, it’s not men who perpetuate the stick-thin waif image of fashion or cosmetics. We don’t have power over the people who make these decisions because we don’t buy any of their crap. When was the last time you knew a man to “desperately need that Versace dress” or “have to buy that lipstick”? It’s women who prop up these skeleton-mongerers by giving them vast amounts of money — last year it was $20bn on cosmetics in the US alone. Ladies, if you don’t like the way these companies portray women, don’t buy their shit … because nothing changes a company faster than losing money. But that’ll never happen because it’s much easier to blame “patriarchal society”. Please, bitch, get a job. The reason Size 0 is all the rage is because, despite your protestations to the contrary, it apparently works on you. Next time you’re buying that amazing Maybelline mascara that makes your eyelashes nine feet long, remember that you’re giving 46kg Adriana Lima a ringing endorsement. And that kind of superhumanly brilliant logic deserves a martini.