Thank you for your interest in selling your Immortal Essence (hereafter
referred to as "soul") to the Glomail Corporation and becoming
part of our team. Please be advised before filling out this questionnaire
that this is a permanent arrangement that will commence as soon as you've
signed your name, up to and including any immortality you may enjoy. Any
similarity to another contract put out by our Lord, the Anti-Christ Beelzebub,
is completely coincidental. Only one soul may be sold into bondage at
any one time. In return, you shall receive vague public attention, somewhere
between the guy who won the first Big Brother and the guy who did the
animatronics for Riaan Cruywagen.
My name is:
I am:
My intelligence is:
Why would you want to work in the Direct Marketing
field?
Definitely to stick my dick into a Big Green Clean Machine.
To find out if the people shown in black and white are meant to be retarded.
It's one step up from IT.
I have previous career experience
in (select more than one if necessary)
lying to terminal cancer patients about their state of health
concentration camp management
having sex with preteens. With a strap-on. Against a barbed-wire fence.
trying to lie on my back and suck my own cock
swinging the big sledgehammer that kills cows
advertising and marketing
I would consider my list of job perks to include:
(select more than one if necessary)
Finally being able to strangle Isabel Jones with my bare hands
As much Fat Trapper as I can carry
Setting fire to cars
Learning to speak English
Crouching in a mildewy shower enclosure, pointing out scum in the grouting
Sucking as much corporate cock as I possibly can
Pants that shock you vaguely in the genital area
I would be willing to (select more than
one if necessary)
lie blatantly
barely keep a straight face during shooting
go "whoo" and "wow" at scripted intervals
park my self-respect at the door
stab my children in the face for another hit of Prolong
share a stage with Chef Keith
be amazed that a one-minute old stain can be removed by vacuuming
depilate myself on camera with a carcinogenic cream
shut the fuck up about the fact that none of the models featured in our
commercials actually need to use the product they're hocking
Which best describes you?
I am a respected consumer rights advocate who has realised that selling
shit to brain damaged housewives could pay off my house in 3 years.
I am a struggling actress who thinks that infomercial airtime is the best
stepping-stone to global adulation.
I am completely insane. The guy on the Impact Power Toolbox ad is an alien
and I've been told by my dog to pull off his human mask live on camera.
I am a homeless pedophile alcoholic fired for embezzlement, and it's either
this or politics.
I am another asshole writer who is starting a screenplay about a guy who
finds it difficult to write his first screenplay, which becomes a metaphor
for the entire movie. But I'm talentless and unoriginal.
I would prefer my hellbound punishment to consist
of: (choose only one)
Scalding hot irons jabbed up my bumhole to cauterise my prostate.
Spending enternity learning the name of everyone in hell with that fucker
from Mega Memory.
Sawing into tin cans and hammers with a steak knife.
Coming up with two thousand synonyms for the word 'amazing'
Wearing Trim 'n Lift pants for eternity
Having the very air sucked out of my lungs by a shitty vacuum sealer
Checking the vaginas of previously unaroused women to see if pussy gel actually
works
SIGNATURE: (Just making
an X will do) __________________________________________
We will be contacting you shortly. Soon your very notion
of pain will seem shallow and insignificant! Bwahaha... er... I mean, we
always love to hear from our loyal customers.
