Dear Mr Beckett,

We here at X-[stream]* Films in Hollywood have recently come across your seminal absurdist piece, Waiting for Godot, whilst taking a huge shit in the company toilet. The play has moved me so much, and so sure am I that this existential, minimalist style is going to be the next big thing, that I have included several short pitches that could easily make it onto the silver screen if you were to write them for us.

Lord of the Godots
Two tramps must seek out and destroy the Ring of Power, once forged by the all-powerful evil Lord Godot. But they find themselves so wracked with uncertainty at their own existense that they are unable to even leave the Shire.

Three Men and a Godot
Three bachelors driven to vast depths of ennui keep their lives on hold as they wait for a baby or a packet of heroin called Godot. Starring Steve "I'm gonna throw myself off a cliff" Gutenberg, Tom "Well, it's been nice knowing you" Selleck and Ted "Cheers!" Danson.

The Non-Commitments
A raunchy comedy about two tramps, Vladimir and Estragon, who, with their two friends Pozzo and Lucky, form a French soul band. Brilliant nihilist soundtrack could be done by the Jean-Paul Sartres.

Aunt Julia and Godot
See the playwright steal his excellent absurdist material from his ailing aunt. Or maybe he doesn't. Who knows?

Desperately Seeking Godot
A lonely existentialist puts a personal ad in a local newspaper and is contacted by a mysterious Mr Godot and his two goatherds. Will they ever meet? Does Godot really exist? Or is it simply a cruel trick? Find out at a cinema that may or may not be near you.

Apocalypse Godot!
A blind goatherd is sent up the Nung River to assassinate Colonel Godot, who has gone quite mad and is teaching Camus to the local natives, who worship him even though there is no god.

Existentialists N the Hood
A gritty and powerful drama about a group of tramps who live in the ghetto hell of the West Bank, whose daily lives are filled with Weltschmertz and melancholia. They are forced to understand that the human desires for logic and immortality are futile and are forced to define their own meaning to life. With an Uzi.

RoboGodot
He's the absurdist you don't fuck with! He's the future of the nihilist tradition who may or may not exist at the scene of a crime.

Waiting for Godot 3: Rise of the Machines
See Arnold Schwarzenegger in his best role ever, since he doesn't have to act, move, speak or even show up. Special effects by the same team that brought you the visually scintillating Cabinet of Dr Caligari.

Godot's Ladder
A taut, terrifying psychological horror about Jacob Godot, a veteran of the absurdist tradition, who may or may not have shown up and who must now deal with the hideous hallucinations this causes.

Didi and Gogo
Two tramps break from their existential mould for a wild weekend, and eventually plunge over an abyss of despair (in a 1966 Thunderbird) with the realization that they may not exist.

Dances with Tramps
A powerful epic about a man, Godot, who shows up under a tree somewhere in the Wild West and, in a moving exposition, finds a life that is meaningless and absurd.

Godot Combs his Hair
For those budding existentialists. See Godot not appear and maybe or maybe not comb his hair. They'll love the complex dramatic irony of this one! With two special guest stars in dustbins.

Godot does Germiston (Rated X-astentialist)
See sexy Madamoiselle Godot take the sleepy Afrikaner town into a spiral of lust. Sex! Sex! Sex!

The Sixth Godot
A mysterious Mr Godot, who may or may not exist depending on your perspective, helps a small boy who may or may not be able to see ghosts. In the end, nothing is resolved, and the audience is left to ponder the meaninglessness of life. To tell you the truth, Mr Beckett, someone may have already done this one under a different title.

Please, Mr Beckett, seriously consider my offer to come to Hollywood and become part of The Biz — there is so much we could accomplish together. I also have managed to garner much support for my proposal Endgame on Ice, which I will be addressing in a later letter.

Yours sincerely,
Mr James Bastard